Dear Lisi: I’m a 45-year-old married woman and I like sex. You could say that my vice is sex. My husband and I are very sexually active, however, the day-to-day workings of our household, which includes three children and a dog, make it not as exciting as days gone by. We both work full-time and are exhausted at the end of the day, yet still have carpools and laundry and meal prep.
I find my sexual release more often out of the house. My husband knows. He’s not bothered. Sometimes I’ll meet people at restaurants, or the grocery store, or even through work. It’s all completely no-strings-attached. I’m also not that picky. I like men; I enjoy women; and I also enjoy more than one partner at a time. The only issue is that I’m nervous about catching a sexually transmitted disease and bringing it home to my husband.
And, of course, I don’t want my kids to ever find out.
Is there something wrong with me?
Sexually Active
There’s nothing wrong with you as far as I can tell. However, you may want to see a medical doctor to check yourself out. You didn’t mention how long this has been your way of life, so if it’s new, it could have to do with your hormones. Or not.
Since you have a healthy husband whom you love and enjoy regular sex with, I suggest you look at ways to enhance that sexual relationship. Even if it simply means getting a babysitter so you can have a night off, or ordering a pizza to eliminate meal prep.
My concern about having sex with multiple people is that you could be putting both your long-term health and safety on the line for a brief feeling of euphoria. The tradeoff may not be worth it.
I suggest you speak with a sex therapist, alone and then with your husband, to help you discover what it is you are looking for, and how you can find it safely.
Dear Lisi: I met a guy I really like. He’s handsome, self-assured, has a great sense of fashion, and a wonderful smile. When he looks at me, I melt. We laugh a lot together, which is great for both of us as we both had ugly divorces. He’s attentive and affectionate and is up for having fun and being together.
The problem is that he smokes incessantly. If he’s not smoking a cigarette, he’s smoking a joint. He smokes so much that he stinks and a waft of smoke stench follows him wherever he goes. It’s so repugnant that I need him to shower before we can be intimate. And often I am repelled when he leans in for a kiss.
I also can’t invite him to my house as my daughter suffers from extreme asthma, and his smell would throw her into a coughing fit.
How can I continue a relationship with this man under these circumstances? I don’t want this to be the reason we break up … but it might end up that way.
Do you have any tips?
Smoke repelled
Sorry to state the obvious, but … have you asked him to stop smoking? Or at least, started the discussion of him cutting down on his habit? Not easy, for sure, but I’m not hearing that he even knows how you feel.
Smoking, cigarettes and pot, is an addiction and most people can’t just wake up and quit. But for good reasons, such as their health, finances (a pack of cigarettes costs between $10 to $20), health of their loved ones, and/or a relationship, many people have been known to make the effort.
Talk to your guy and tell him how you feel. Hopefully, he’ll at least try.
FEEDBACK Regarding the old dog who barks incessantly (Oct. 16):
Reader – “Just curious about your response to Old Barker. Where did you get that her neighbour was smoking pot? I read it as… smoking. And on the porch as I believe you are not allowed to smoke indoors in most units. Moving the dog to ‘the other side of the house’ — unless there’s another porch this will not likely work.”
An avid reader
Lisi – The letter-writer wrote, “I see her daily, on her porch, at her computer, smoking, and know from the smell that it’s not tobacco.” If it’s not tobacco, then I assumed she was inferring that it was marijuana. I also assumed, from her description, that the woman lives in a house, not an apartment or condo, in which case, she could smoke where she wants, in or out, and that there is a backyard of sorts.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
