Dear Lisi: I have a good friend who likes to keep things close to his chest. So much so that he turns small nothings into huge somethings. Our group of friends thinks that’s why he acts the way he does — to increase his importance in our minds. But it’s having the opposite effect — we think it’s annoying.
For example, we all went to the beach the other day. He disappeared for about an hour and a half, responding by text that he would be back shortly. When he got back, we all asked where he’d been. His response was that he had met some people.
Later, we found out that he had bumped into his sister and her friend and had gone with them for ice cream. Why couldn’t he have just told us that? Why turn nothing into something? He’s done it so many times this summer that two of our group are done with him.
I don’t want him to fall out with the whole friend group, but I’m not sure how to “save” him. What do you think?
All that
I don’t think your friend thinks he’s “all that.” I think he’s insecure. I don’t know him so I can’t tell you why he thinks that way, but that’s what his actions say to me. Someone who was secure would say, “Hey! I bumped into my sister and we’re grabbing an ice cream. Anyone want one?” — or something like that.
If you care about his status in the group, I would take the chance and talk to him privately. Tell him that sometimes his elusive, too-cool actions are having the opposite effect than what he desires, and that instead of thinking of him as “cool,” the group is getting tired of it.
I hope he’ll take what you have to say to heart and start relaxing into his own personality, which is, I assume, why you liked him in the first place.
Dear Lisi: We are a group of guys who have been working at a lake resort this summer in the States. It’s been fun, we’ve all become great friends, and some of us have even started seeing some of the girls there. One of the girls was preceded by a bad reputation from her last year working there, when none of us were there. We didn’t hold it against her.
But now one of the guys has become very close with her and is thinking of asking her to stay together as a couple when they return to school. I’m concerned because she is now going to his school and apparently her reputation precedes her there as well.
He’s a nice guy, very sweet and soft-spoken, and not at all the kind of guy everyone thought would be with this girl. I’m worried that he’s going to get hurt. Is there anything I can do?
Fast Friend
You weren’t completely clear, but I’m assuming your friend knows about his new girlfriend’s reputation. If that’s the case, then he’s a standup guy for not letting it get in the way of getting to know her for who she is. We all make mistakes when we’re young, and we hope that those mistakes don’t colour every new relationship we enter.
You could offer your friend support by letting him know that you are there for him if things get confusing with his new girlfriend. Just remind him that whoever she was isn’t who she is now. Focus on his romance with her and not her past. If they can mute the background noise, it will dissipate eventually.
FEEDBACK Regarding the work colleague who holds a grudge (July 16):
Reader #1 — “Since the letter writer stated that this other woman ‘just recently left the company,’ her opinion is STILL current.
“I wouldn’t wait. I would come out strong at your next interaction. Before she says anything, and in a public environment, ask her why she is still spreading lies about you. Her ‘extremely insincere and unkind’ nature would be known by others.
“There’s nothing to be salvaged in this relationship. Sometimes trying to be the ‘adult’ and the ‘better person’ simply does not work.”
Reader #2 — “The less you react to her hostility, the sillier it will seem to your companions. Just smile — a little — and wish her a good day. So many people cannot handle not having complete control and need to target others for their internal fury and fear. You cannot carry this for her. Set yourself free.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
