Dear Lisi: My girlfriend’s sister is gay, but she won’t admit it to her parents. She hangs out with us a lot, and obviously neither of us care. But it confuses me that she won’t tell her parents.
She’s pretty, smart, confident, and has a great job. She has everything going for her but she’s petrified of her parents.
Ironically, her parents are very close friends with a male gay couple, who keep telling the parents that they’re sure their daughter is gay. I’ve overheard my girlfriend’s mom saying that it wouldn’t bother her. I don’t know whether she’s being honest or not, but I think they’re pretty open-minded people.
Case in point, they are a well-established Hong Kong Chinese family and I am dark-skinned Jamaican-born. They love me and have never commented negatively — not to my face or behind my back. So, I really don’t think they would care about their daughter’s sexual preference.
How can I help this young woman fully accept who she is and own it? My girlfriend keeps telling me to leave it alone, but I can’t.
Helpful Friend
If your girlfriend agrees, take her sister out for some open, private conversation. It’s fine whether you go alone or with your girlfriend, as long as her sister doesn’t feel ganged up on.
She obviously can see that her parents aren’t homophobic, or stuck in rigid boundaries. Help her see that being open and honest with her parents will be so freeing, for her mind and her spirit. Tell her that you and her sister support her completely, and will continue to do so no matter what.
Dear Lisi: One of my closest friends is cheating on her husband with her best friend’s husband. I had no idea that there were problems in her marriage, or that she was having an affair. I found out when I bumped into her best friend at an activity I just started with my toddler. She was there with her child as well.
We don’t know each other well at all as she and my friend became close while at university in another country. She and her husband only moved to our city about a year ago for his work. She was so excited because she knew she would have a built-in friend and was hoping to be introduced to all of our mutual friend’s friends.
I only met her once, at a big get-together for several families when they first arrived. I thought she and her family were nice but we didn’t make plans. Now, a year later, she pulls me aside and starts quietly screaming at me for not telling her what was going on. I swore up and down that I had no idea, but she doesn’t believe me.
I’m furious at my friend for putting me in this position! What do I do?
Cheating Friend
Your friend is selfish and uncaring about who she hurts while she gets what she wants. I advise distancing yourself from this woman. If you feel it necessary to tell her how you feel, you have every right to do so. But don’t expect her to care or change.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the mom concerned about her children’s school principal with a storied history (July 31):
“Great advice today which I wanted to respond to since I have been teaching Education Law at OISE yearly, beginning in 1982.
“The scenario you posed is unfortunately not overly rare.
“Teachers in public boards are members of the Ontario College of Teachers and would continue to be members even in their capacity as a principal. They can be disciplined by the OCT but someone has to file a complaint and it should have come from the school and/or Board (it’s actually their legal obligation).
“The allegations at the very least should have been referred to the CAS/CCAS/JFCS/NCFS, whichever, as this student may well have been defined under now section 125 of the CYFSA as a ‘child in need of protection.’ I agree that much of this would now be considered hearsay although arguably this individual could still be disciplined for ‘professional misconduct,’ for obviously a gross breach of trust; consent, respectfully, is out the window.
“There is also the potential of major collateral damage since teachers who have been fired by a Public Board, or had their licence removed by the OCT, can simply cross the street and get a job teaching in a private or independent school which are NOT regulated. In my opinion, all teachers should be regulated even if the government chooses not to regulate the private school system in Ontario.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
