Dear Lisi: My husband drinks too much and though he’s fun, he says and does things that are embarrassing to me. Obviously, I can’t talk to him in the moment because he’s drunk and irrational. The next day, if I try to talk to him, he’s either hungover and can’t talk, or he brushes me off as being too whatever.
I’ll try a day or two later, but instead of listening to me and having a mature conversation, he’ll get defensive and retreat. I feel as though I’m in a lose-lose situation and I’m sick of it.
How can I break this pattern?
Embarrassed Wife
Such a tough situation and I feel for you. It sounds to me as though your husband recognizes that he’s made some “mistakes” but doesn’t know how to take responsibility and apologize for them.
I suggest trying to talk to him one more time, when you’re on a hike (that way you can fight without anyone hearing you), or out together for dinner (that way he must remain calm) — whichever you think is better. And tell him that you see a pattern that you would like to break, but you need his help because it includes him. Tell him you’d like to try to discuss it together, but you may need outside help.
And if that doesn’t get through to him, and if he is still incapable of acknowledging and discussing, then a session or two with a therapist/marriage counsellor will be hugely beneficial.
Dear Lisi: One of my co-workers uses extremely inappropriate language and expletives all the time. He adds the F-word into every sentence; he calls people — regardless of gender — bitches; and uses the C-word when he’s annoyed or upset.
He has never called me anything ugly, but he’s always talking around me about other people, or telling me stories and using his profanities. At first, I was shocked. But then I realized that’s just how he speaks. So, I asked him nicely to tone down his language in my presence. I think he thought I was joking because he hasn’t changed.
He can see me visibly grimace when he uses his colourful language, but he doesn’t refrain. I don’t want to go to HR about him because that seems over the top and I don’t think anyone will take me seriously.
Am I just old and behind the times?
Language Prude
Well, you didn’t mention your age, or what industry you’re in, but I can understand how you feel. I’m also not a lover of extensive, superfluous profanity. It makes me physically cringe.
I suggest asking your co-worker one more time to try to tamper his language when you’re in earshot. If that doesn’t work, you can ask to move to another part of the office. And if that doesn’t work, you may have to go to HR.
There’s probably something in the code of conduct about language and profanity. You shouldn’t have to suffer while trying to do your job. And it should be easy for him to censor himself.
FEEDBACK Regarding dumped (Nov. 22):
Reader — “Have you been fully vaccinated? Does your friend’s girlfriend have any seniors or immunocompromised people in her life?
“Unfortunately, there is another wave happening (NOTE: This reader is Toronto-based). Hospital visits are again increasing. My doctor is again requesting masks be worn. I continue to meet people wearing masks in public, and I still keep my distance from people.
“Plus, there is the flu and now RSV.
“Before being critical, the friend needs to more fully understand the full picture from the girlfriend’s perspective.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the dad freaking out over his daughter’s clothing choices (Nov.21):
Reader – “The dad needs to be very careful. Whether he likes it or not, his ‘little girl’ is on her path to becoming a woman. The ‘teen years’ are in his immediate future, with all the hormones and physical ‘developments.’ He definitely does not want to alienate his daughter at this age. Greater challenges are coming.
“I watched my niece go from a ‘stick’ to a voluptuous woman almost overnight. Boys who had ignored her suddenly were taking notice. My brother-in-law, her father, commented that he needed to understand when something needed to be said or done, or when to just turn away, especially when her hormones caused her to act out.
“But I am more concerned regarding (the letter-writer’s husband’s) reaction to his wife. Is this a new negative reaction, or part of a pattern? If so, then I think professional therapy may be necessary.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
