Dear Lisi: My son is getting married and I’m doing everything I can to look my best. I’ve been seeing a nutritionist and a personal trainer. I’ve lost weight and inches. All my friends have noticed. I like the way I look and feel. My husband hasn’t said a word, or even noticed. I’m hurt by his obliviousness and lack of attention. I didn’t change my appearance for his approval, but it would be nice if he commented. How do I get his attention?
Invisible Wife
Put on something that you feel you look great in and ask him what he thinks. Ask him to really look at you. If he doesn’t notice or say anything, then ask him if everything is OK. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here … maybe he’s preoccupied with something going on in his life that he hasn’t shared.
Talk to your husband. If he still doesn’t comment, just say something like, “Hey, honey, I’ve lost a few inches. What do you think?” Yes, we all like to feel attractive to our special someone, but what matters most is how we feel about ourselves.
Dear Lisi: My husband was born in West Africa; his skin is as dark as it gets, even in the depths of a Canadian winter. I am Haitian-born and very light-skinned, with light eyes. Somehow our two children came out even lighter than me, with blondish-reddish hair and light eyes. They do not look like they came from a union of our genes, it’s true.
But we are a family, and when we go out as a family, we are always so surprised how vocal and brazen complete strangers can be. They’ll walk right up to my child and say, “You’re so cute,” then turn to me and ask where we adopted them from. It’s so rude! And every time, I am so shocked that I just blubber some incoherent reply.
Once, when visiting Niagara Falls, we were stopped by police because someone reported a “suspicious looking couple with two children clearly not their own.” The kids are still young and we are doing our best to shelter them from this crazy world of misconceptions and worst-case scenario thinking.
But what happens when they grow up, even just that little bit more, and understand the questions and side-eye glances? How do I explain this all to them?
Genetic Smorgasbord
I’m not a professional child psychologist, so I spoke with someone who is. Her take is to just be as honest, age-appropriate, as possible. It’s all genetics and uncontrollable. My mom has brown eyes, my dad’s eyes were blue and mine are green. Go figure.
Celebrate your children’s beauty, the variations in your family, and your own beauty. Don’t ever let them feel less than. Different isn’t bad, or ugly. It’s just different. Teach them that.
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