Dear Lisi: We’re four sisters who are all married with children. Two of the husbands are related through their siblings. The two other husbands are family friends from childhood. Between us we have 14 children. When we get together, and add the parents and in-laws, we are 32 and that doesn’t include any of our husbands’ siblings, their partners, and/or their children. Suffice to say we are a large family. And every time there’s an event, it’s a big deal because we all want to get together to celebrate.
We sisters are very close and would never do anything important without the other three. Now, one of the husbands is requesting a destination event at the same time that one of the sisters is having surgery, and a child of one of the other sisters has a special event. His wife is trying to explain to him that he needs to change the date, but he’s refusing, and they are fighting.
We don’t know what to do to help her in this situation because it’s a big event. They can change the date — it’s not impossible. I think he’s digging his heels in because the operation has been moved twice, and the other event isn’t as important in his opinion.
How can we all get through this amicably?
Sisters
This is a tough situation. There are too many cooks in the kitchen, which is partially the cause of the combustion. You four sisters are tight, and it sounds to me as though you put each other before everyone else. There’s nothing wrong with that … as long as each of your partners understands and more importantly accepts that he takes a back seat to the other three.
Now this one husband is trying to assert himself. Understandable as, and I say this with a broad stroke, men often need to feel some sense of dominance and alpha in their relationships. However, in this situation, now is not the time to put his foot down as he will inadvertently cause a huge family to blowup.
I feel for him because he feels as though his event isn’t important. It is. Assuming the operation isn’t something frivolous, it’s also understandable that the sisters want and need to support their sister during her operation.
At this point, I believe the other husbands need to be the ones who talk this husband off this mountain. Get through the operation and then focus solely on his event. If he can’t let go, I think he’s the one who will suffer in the end.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend has a habit of walking into a room and just starting a conversation. As though whoever is in the room is sitting silently waiting on his arrival and whatever he has to share. It drives me crazy, but it also infuriates my dad.
For example, we recently were invited to my parents’ home for a birthday celebration. My parents, two of my siblings, both their partners, two uncles and an aunt, and three cousins were sitting in the living room having cocktails and snacks while everyone arrived. There were at least three conversations going on when my boyfriend strolled in confidently and immediately started speaking to everyone about a book he had just finished reading.
What he has to say is interesting, but his delivery is distracting. How can I help him avoid alienating my entire family?
Bad timing
My gut reaction is to think that your boyfriend is insecure and nervous around your family. He overcompensates by talking without thinking. You need to sit him down and help him. Create a look, a code, something for him to let you know he’s nervous and to jump in. You need to work on this together.
FEEDBACK Regarding the dismayed aunt (April 22):
Reader #1 — “I agree. Sounds like the niece is either just finished or finishing university and early 20s, also known as the age when lessons are learned from ‘stupidity.’ Unless a person experiences ‘stupidity,’ how will they learn? The aunt is judging because she has matured. What ‘stupid’ things did she do at that age?
“I look back at my university days and shudder at the things I did and said.
“Do not say anything to anyone unless there is something more than normal 20s stupidity. If it’s normal behaviour for someone in their 20s, she may very well start showing elements of maturity, especially if she is in transition from university to career.”
Reader #2 — “Please also have the aunt consider that her niece may have been drugged.”
Lisi — Scary, but possible. I didn’t consider that. Thank you for mentioning.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
