Dear Lisi: My husband left me after 20 years of marriage and four children almost five years ago. He admits now that he had a mid-life crisis at the time and wanted to escape all his responsibilities and ties. I was tired of his excuses, lack of ambition, over-enjoyment (in my opinion) of recreational drugs and alcohol anyway, so in all honesty, I was somewhat relieved.
The financial wake-up call of the divorce – selling our home, figuring out how to have two separate homes with enough space for all the children, splitting up our assets, child support, spousal support, etc. – was enough to throw both of us into a pit of despair. We were in the red and going deeper.
I have always had jobs, throughout my parenting role, but managed to work around the children’s schedule. I made enough money to help us with our lifestyle, but not the bread-and-butter. Unfortunately, his mid-life crisis resulted in being dismissed from his job. He sank into depression and suffered some health issues.
He has happily come out the other side, with renewed energy, fixed health, and a welcome change in his views on now-legal vices. But he’s also starting to court me, and I don’t know how I feel about that.
What are your thoughts?
Second chance?
My thoughts don’t matter…. it’s how you feel that counts. You two have a deep connection – 20 years of marriage and four children – which you will have for the rest of time. Your husband has obviously gone through a personal discovery and mindset shift over the course of his mid-life crisis. In your words, he has changed for the better.
Is he the same guy you married? Obviously not. But might he still have many of the qualities that you fell in love with so many years ago? Maybe.
The key would be ensuring that you two don’t fall into the same patterns and bad habits that led to the end of your marriage. If you do choose to see where his courting goes, I strongly recommend counselling.
Dear Lisi: My wife is asking for a sleep divorce. What is she talking about?
Happily Married
A sleep divorce is a new term coined for married couples who need to find alternate solutions to sharing a bed, most often not due to an intimacy or love issue, but rather, incompatible sleep habits and patterns.
For example, as explained by another man in a serious relationship wondering how to cope with his and his girlfriend’s out of sync sleep schedule, if one person is a night owl where the other retires early; and further to that, usually the one who goes to bed early tends to get up early, while the night owl can miss the morning entirely.
We all need the right quantity of sleep, but more importantly, is the quality of the sleep. You can sleep for hours and still feel tired if, for example, you’re woken constantly by your partner’s snoring, a baby’s crying, a teenager’s loud music, a car alarm going off, etc. Some of the aforementioned can’t be controlled, but if it’s just between you and your partner, sleeping in separate beds – sometimes even separate rooms - can help you both get a good night’s sleep.
This doesn’t mean you love each other less or can’t find time and space for intimacy and connection. In fact, it may make the intimacy more fun and exciting since it’s no longer the same old routine at bedtime.
Talk to your wife seriously and see if she’s just trying the phrase on for size, or if she wants to give it a try. She may be surprised at your willingness and knowledge.
FEEDBACK Regarding the professor who prefers chatting about personal matters than the course (May 7):
Reader – “Before this student gives up on their sessions with the professor, perhaps they need a more direct approach. I suggest they draft a list of their questions/concerns and ask the prof to go through it with them point by point. That way when Prof Schlof starts to meander down memory lane, they have a focal point that they can use to keep the discussion in track. Worth a try.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the gifted puppy (May 9):
Reader – “Nobody should be buying anyone a puppy as a gift! It is an easy 15-year commitment with substantial monetary costs, including basics such as yearly shots, food, treats and registration. Not to mention neuter/spay, grooming, and other medical costs.
“Unless you all agree to wanting a dog, and are ready to care for it, it’s not a well thought out surprise.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected]
