Dear Lisi: My husband is going through a tough medical time. Every day there’s something new bothering him. He’s not a hypochondriac, so I believe him when he says he’s in pain, or itchy, or uncomfortable.
If we can find relief within our own knowledge and extensive medicine cabinet, we do. If not, we go to the pharmacist nearby. She is extremely knowledgeable and an excellent diagnostician. And if she suggests, we go to his family doctor.
We are now waiting on four specialist appointments, and it seems one thing is compounding the next. My husband is 12 years older than me and just turned 75.
Is this a window into the rest of my marriage? I still work full-time, play on a women’s volleyball team, and do yoga daily. I also volunteer and take my “auntying” very seriously. So, I’m busy and active. I’m not ready to be anyone’s caregiver.
Age matters
Don’t jump to the worst possible scenarios. Your husband has reached a significant age, but you didn’t mention that he was unwell or infirm leading up to his birthday. He may just be going through a bad patch.
It sounds as though you two have it under control, which is important, and you’re doing all the right things. No one expects you to give up your job, your hobbies or your family. If your husband needs daily care, hire a nurse or PSW to come in for a few hours or whatever is necessary, so you can continue your job and your life.
I do think it’s important for you to go with him to all of his specialist appointments if possible. It’s always good to accompany the unwell person to appointments to both hear what the doctor says, and to make sure nothing is left out of the discussion.
Yes, your husband may have turned a corner regarding his health, but that doesn’t mean the end is nigh, nor that you have to give up on your life. Life is a continuum, throughout which we need to be open to change and be flexible.
Dear Lisi: I’ve started playing pickleball at my sister’s request. We’re both in our 70s and were having a hard time keeping up with our sport of choice — tennis for her; squash for me. Someone recommended pickleball, my sister tried it, and has now convinced me to play.
She’s right – it’s very fun, keeps our bodies moving, but isn’t as demanding as tennis or squash.
My problem is the other women we play with. They are all in their 50s and 60s, and they seem to complain constantly. When we play outdoors, they complain about the heat, the wind, the light, you name it. And when we play indoors, they still complain about the heat, the wind (off the fans), the light, etc.
They take turns complaining about their health issues. I’ve heard them gripe over everything from feeling bloated to being tired from staying up to watch the 10 o’clock news. I’m a decade older than these women at least but I feel like I’m playing with wizened old ladies.
It’s driving me crazy! What do I do?
Pickle player
Find a new group of women. You don’t owe anything to these women, other than your sister. Tell her that you love to play, and you’d love to continue to play with her, but you can’t stand the whining from the rest of the group. Ask some of your friends to try the sport and create your own group.
Until then, if you do play with these women, ignore their complaining. You could even joke that you thought it was a court and not a doctor’s office waiting room.
Dear Lisi: My bestie has a new bestie and isn’t hanging out with me as much. What do I do?
Dumped
There’s not a lot of information here, and my response greatly depends on age and stage. Basically, it all boils down to what you want. If you really want your bestie back, then talk to her/him. Tell them how you feel, ask them how they feel, and see if you can work together to keep the friendship.
But do you really want to be besties with someone who has dumped you for someone else?
FEEDBACK Regarding the older boy hoping to return to university (May 3):
Reader – “Thank you for publishing my comment regarding the 24-year-old who believes that he/she is too old to return to university.
“I hope that my experience and late-in-life decision will inspire others who are not of typical university age to achieve a very noteworthy goal.”
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