Dear Lisi: I’m 15 and in high school. Last year, I met a girl in one of my classes who became a school friend. We’d talk on the phone about school work, eat lunch together when we needed to work together, and get together to study. But other than school, we didn’t have much in common.
At the end of the year, she asked me to a movie. I went, it was fine, but we didn’t become friends-friends. We didn’t speak once during the summer.
This year, we had three classes together. Two classes too many in my opinion. She wanted to eat lunch every day, get together after school once a week. I have other good friends in all of the classes she’s in.
But I feel badly saying no to this girl. She hasn’t done anything wrong; we’re just not friends outside of school. I’ve tried and I just don’t feel the connection.
Is it mean to say, no, I can’t have lunch with you and then go eat with other people? Is it mean to say, no, I can’t go to a movie with you, but then go to a party with other friends? I don’t want to be mean. I just don’t want to hang out with her.
Teen in between
The most important point here is that you don’t want to be mean. I’m pleased that you recognize that. You never know where your life will take you, if you’ll ever see this girl again, maybe even one day be friends. The last thing you ever want is for someone to feel that you hurt their feelings unnecessarily.
So, the main factor here is how – how you say, “no I can’t have lunch with you,” but then she sees you eating with others; “no, I can’t go out tonight,” but then she sees you at the same movie with others. When she asks to get together outside of school, say, “I’m so sorry but I can’t. I already have plans.”
But since you actually like working with her, work with her. Invite her to sit and work over lunch one day. She’ll soon get the hint that you’re school friends only.
Dear Lisi: My husband is the love of my life. We have a fabulous relationship, wonderful children, a healthy sex life, and a lot of fun together. We are good friends as well as life partners.
But he has a repugnant personality flaw and I don’t know how to handle it. It’s especially awful because it’s talked about behind my back. My good friends will tell me directly, but they hate doing so, though it’s necessary.
My husband will make sexual comments to other women, even my good friends. He has never — and I don’t think would ever — acted on any of these comments, but they’re out there. For example, he told one of my friends that he gets turned on when he hears her voice on the answering machine. She no longer leaves messages.
How do I get him to understand this behaviour is hurtful to me?
Love-tied
Let me start by saying I’m sorry you are going through this because it’s not easy. You can make light of it, but if it wasn’t bothering you, you wouldn’t have sent me this question. You say your husband is a good man in every way, except for this glitch. I imagine that you have told him that it bothers you, that it hurts your feelings, that it makes him look foolish in the eyes of others.
If none of these have given him reason to stop, he probably needs some therapy. I suggest you go together to a professional who can hear you out, starting with all the positives, and the amazing relationship you two share. But who can then dig deeper to find out what drives your husband to say the things he says, and perhaps continue with him, alone.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman dealing with her husband and sudden male pattern baldness (May 13):
Reader — “Start wearing a nice hat immediately and everywhere. He’ll need to be careful of the sun.
“And why not just shave everything off? Embrace your baldness. Do not let it define you.
“The reason behind the baldness could be many. Does he engage in sports requiring protective head gear, such as hockey, football, skiing, cycling? Does he work in an environment requiring a safety hat, such as construction? Has he gone back into his ancestry?”
Lisi — All helpful but the main issue is how does this woman get through to her guy that she loves him no matter how much hair he has on his head.
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