Dear Lisi: My wife’s cousin has stopped talking to her and we can’t figure out why. They grew up next door to each other and are more like siblings than second cousins. We spend a lot of time together as families, our children are close in age and good friends, and I get along well enough with her husband.
We sometimes have to manage issues between our son and their daughter, who are the same age, go to the same school, and have mostly the same friends. They can sometimes bicker, but it’s all harmless tween-age stuff. Their issues never really affect us adults.
Last week, my wife mentioned that she hadn’t heard from her cousin in a few days, even though she had called and texted daily. Then our daughter had a bad fall, which led to a hospital visit, but she’s fine. The next day, my wife was really upset that her cousin hadn’t reached out to see if we were all OK.
It’s now been 10 days and the two women haven’t spoken. I called her husband because we had plans and he answered the phone with, “Let’s agree NOT to talk about what’s going on.”
The problem is — neither my wife nor I have a clue what actually IS going on!
Family Feud
Don’t let this fester any longer. If it’s a normal thing for you to do, I suggest you two pop over to their house. Bring a bottle of wine and a pizza. When they open the door, say something to the effect of, “We love you guys. We feel something’s up since we always speak and we haven’t. Let’s eat, drink, and clear the air.”
The worst thing that could happen is they slam the door in your face. But I doubt that would be the outcome. If my suggestion is too far out of the ordinary, do what feels right, but make the first move.
It’s not about who’s right or wrong; it’s about your relationship and maintaining your close family ties. And if you have to be the bigger person and apologize first, just do it! Once you’ve broken the wall of silence, figured out why your cousin is so upset, and worked it out, then you can say you were hurt she didn’t check on your daughter. Or not.
Sometimes you’ve got to just let things go.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man hoping to get his wife to agree to a dog (Nov. 2):
Reader — “In your response to the man who is hoping to convince his wife to adopt a dog, you suggested that he should make plans for its care in advance, then ‘find a litter and take your wife to meet the puppies’ in the hopes she will acquiesce.
“Generally speaking, the only place you will find a litter of puppies is at a breeder. Please don’t encourage buying from breeders when so many dogs in shelters and foster homes are waiting to be adopted. As well, an adult shelter dog will be a lot easier to care for than a puppy — another selling point for the reluctant spouse.”
Lisi — You are absolutely correct. “Adopt don’t shop” is a slogan I strongly believe in. And generally speaking, adult dogs are significantly easier to care for than puppies.
On the flip side, there are so many factors to think about when getting a family dog, among them, breed. For example, a nonactive family wouldn’t do well with a dog who needs to run. Conversely, an outdoorsy family may not do well with a small dog with short legs who prefers being indoors.
In this man’s case, I thought limiting the unknown factors might help his cause. Either way, I hope it works!
FEEDBACK Regarding the lonely dad (Oct. 31):
Reader — “Lonely dad’s story resembles a lonely mom. You two need to spend time together, alone, like a date night.
“Maybe a once a month get together with a few like-minded people for whatever is entertaining and stimulating. Find your social groove. Soon enough the kids will wave goodbye, and go out with their friends, leaving you two home alone.
“I am not advocating for a surprise visit to her hotel room while she’s on the road, with or without the kids, but schedule some time to spend together as a family. Get your calendars out and make a plan: tickets to a show, a kid’s hockey game or dance recital, lessons of some kind together, or a church-sanctioned merriment. If it isn’t in all the family’s calendars it won’t be seen as a team effort.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
