Dear Lisi: My sister-in-law has two small dogs that she takes everywhere. My brother, her husband, hates the dogs. My sister and I both have dogs — mine is a shaggy mutt, about 50 lbs. My sister has two big hounds, both about 85 lbs. Our brother loves our dogs and when he comes over to my parents, where I live with my dog, he’s all over him.
My sister’s dogs and my dog are friends, so they always hang out together, and my brother is in heaven when they’re all at my parents, or my sister’s, and he sees them. It makes my sister-in-law so angry.
I feel bad for her because I can’t imagine my partner not loving my dog. But for me that would be a deal-breaker. She knew going in that he didn’t like her dogs. They dated for a year when her dogs were living with her mom. He was honest with her from the beginning that he wasn’t a fan of what he thought were her mom’s dogs.
They got engaged, moved in together, and as soon as they got back from their honeymoon, she insisted the dogs were hers and she needed them to move in. Now she’s constantly mad at him and he wants to be anywhere where the dogs aren’t.
How can I help?
Canine-loving sister
I think you’d best stay out of the fray. Your brother is a good guy for staying in the marriage after being duped. However, maybe there’s more to the story that neither of us know. Maybe her mom can’t handle the dogs anymore, maybe your SIL has anxieties, who knows?
I suggest that the newlyweds talk to someone about their situation. Quickly. Otherwise, she’s going to find herself alone with two dogs and no husband. You haven’t really said what makes her dogs such a turnoff. Maybe it’s behaviour that can be relearned. Or maybe they just take time to get to know.
Good luck to your brother.
Dear Lisi: My wife and I have divorced. It was the right thing to do for our relationship. We were no longer lovers, and our friendship was being buried by all the resentment we were harbouring towards each other. The bitterness and tension were negatively affecting our parenting and our children’s well-being and so we parted ways.
And though I know it was the right move, I miss her. We met through friends, it was love at first sight, but we always both felt that we had finally met our one true bestie. And we were! Until we weren’t.
Now I feel sad and alone. I’ve lost my wife, my family and my best friend with one signature. How do I move forward?
Lost and Lonely
I’m sorry you are going through such a sad time in your life. Divorce is hard on everyone. But it doesn’t mean the end of your family, nor should it. Hopefully you two have reached some form of shared parenting agreement, and that could also include time all together, once you two have settled your emotions, resentment, and anger towards each other.
It sounds trite, but time does help heal many wounds. And if you two were best friends, she will surely feel that loss as well. Life is a journey, full of ups and downs, and changes. You may never be besties again, but you could very well maintain a healthy friendship and relationship, which would be beneficial for everyone, especially your children.
FEEDBACK Regarding the binge eating husband (Nov. 8):
Reader – “Thank you for your wonderful service in providing advice. I found hope and recovery from binge eating in Overeaters Anonymous (OA). OA is a 12-step program patterned after Alcoholics Anonymous, for people who wish to recover from compulsive overeating and food behaviours. For years I tried to control my binge eating through exercise, healthy eating, and a numerous variety of diet programs, but my weight would eventually climb back up and then swing rapidly. This would lead to isolation, misery, despair, and self-loathing.
“I was introduced to OA after reading about it many years ago in a Dear Abby advice column. Today, I am at a healthy body weight and have maintained a 50-pound weight loss for several years. I am no longer a self-absorbed victim, have learned to love myself and to be present for others in my life. I have seen many people recover from food addiction in OA, so I know recovery is possible.”
Recovered Anonymous OA Member
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
