Dear Lisi: My daughter was shy but had a good group of friends in middle school. Her school was large so finding your few in the many became hugely important. Together they moved to high school, which, though an even bigger institution, they managed to stay together and even bring in a few more girls.
She just started Grade 10 and I’m noticing a change. The 12 girls from last year seem to have dwindled down to three. When I ask about the others, my daughter just shrugs her shoulders, says she sees them, and brushes off my concern. But I think there’s something more to the story.
I do know that one girl left the school for a private school that works better with her schedule as she is a high-level gymnast; and another girl has gone deep into the drama department at school and spends all her time with that group of people.
But that still leaves seven or eight who I’m not seeing around the house much these days. I’m worried about my daughter. What should I do?
Worried Mom
The best thing you can do for your daughter is to let her know that you are there for her, how and when she needs you.
Now let’s discuss the real issue: is your daughter distressed about this change in friendship…. Or are you? I spoke with a therapist whose specialty includes parenting, and her focus was mainly on recognizing whether there have been any behavioural changes in your daughter. Any anxiety, depression, any changes in eating and sleeping. Is she showing signs of withdrawing or shutting down, or even any self-harm?
If you’ve noticed any of the above, it’s important to offer your daughter some outside help. Kids Help Phone is an amazing resource available 24/7 for anyone looking for outside support.
Perhaps your daughter is the one who is changing and isn’t into what these girls are into anymore. Or maybe the girls are changing, and your daughter isn’t into their new interests. Maybe, just maybe, she’s OK with the change in friends. You won’t know until you talk to her.
The next best thing you can do for her is to sit with her and ask her to go through her phone with you. She needs to know that you’re not doing this as a punishment (though it may feel like one), but as a check-in and a connection. At 14 or 15, assuming you bought your daughter her phone and pay for her plan, you have every right as an involved, concerned parent to glance through her apps and social media for her safety and protection. That doesn’t mean reading every text and pouncing on everything you don’t understand.
You want to just be looking out for the obvious: a lack of communication amongst friends; any bullying or obvious aggression; anything that feels off. Then you and she can talk calmly. Try hard to keep your reactions calm and your tone nonaccusatory. Remember – your daughter is suffering (you think), so you want to help her navigate this tricky time. You need to be the calm in the storm. Later you can freak out to your partner/bestie/therapist.
Tread carefully and don’t jump to conclusions. Give your daughter the space and confidence to open up to you.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the disappearing workmate (Sept. 18):
“The woman whose working partner didn’t return any attempted communication and whose house was empty, may have an extremely controlling partner. That person could be threatened by any form of their partner’s autonomy. To maintain control, their m.o. is to leave and start again.
“This is abuse, one where there are no visible bruises.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the sibling’s future success (Sept. 9):
Reader – “What am I missing here? Why are the writer’s parents planning on hosting the function if ‘the event must occur at the woman’s family home?’
“Regarding the other conditions, it sounds like the girl is an immigrant, so will every member of her immediate family be there? What if someone is sick or cannot get a visa to travel? Are there any restaurants that can prepare food from the girl’s ethnic background?
“All the writer’s family needs to do is dress nicely, show up with gifts and express their willingness to welcome the girlfriend and her family into their family.”
Lisi - I reread the question, and you are correct – that is confusing! I’m not sure if the mistake was mine or the original letter writer’s, but I can only guess that it’s supposed to read “The event must occur at the man’s family home.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
