Dear Lisi: My husband and I are going through a rough patch. He has thrown himself into his self-image. He’s at the gym before and after work. He leaves before I even wake up in the morning, and comes home in time to have dinner and go to bed.
He’s too tired to do anything after dinner except flop in front of the TV. But he just flips the channels, never focusing on anything. I tried to get him to watch a show with me but he didn’t like any of my choices, so went to bed, leaving me alone on the couch.
I decided that if “you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” So, I met him at the gym after work, thinking he would be happy to see me. Wrong. He was shocked, rude, and practically tried to kick me out! I did a class while he used the weights, and then we went home together, but he wasn’t happy at all. Apparently, that’s his happy place and I’m not welcome.
Advice, please!
Workout widow
Your husband sounds like he’s looking for escape, at least temporarily. Have you asked him why he spends all of his free time at the gym, and why you aren’t welcome? Have you asked him how he sees your relationship continuing if you don’t spend any time together?
You definitely need to think about what you want before you have this talk with him. You need to be prepared for his answer, no matter what it is. For example, if he says he’s done with the marriage, you need to know deep down how you feel. Do you want to fight for him? Or are you ready to end this union, too?
On the flip side, if he believes this is the way marriages are, with two people just doing their own thing, you need to be able to tell him whether or not that works for you.
So do some soul-searching on your own first. If you need to talk to a professional, then by all means get some help with this. And when you’re ready, insist that your husband make time to talk.
Dear Lisi: I’m going through your typical mid-life crisis, except I’m only 35. I hate my job, I’m bored in my marriage, and I’m tired of parenting little kids. I know the last statement sounds horrible, but it’s true. I’m tired of the bedtime routine and dragging them from activity to activity on the weekends.
My wife is a good person. She works hard at her job, brings in a good income, is always there for the kids, and does her best to be a good partner to me. But I can feel that she feels something is off. She’s getting clingy and needy, and it’s pushing me further away.
I just want to go off on my own road trip for a while, but a long while. And that’s not going to fly with her. What do I do?
Crossroads
You need to do some serious soul-searching, my friend. And I suggest you speak to a therapist to dig deep and figure out what’s really bothering you. You may be in the wrong job; your marriage may not be sustainable; and raising kids is definitely tedious at times. But you’re about to blow it all up and you don’t know why, or where you’re going.
Figure out what’s going on before you leave a wake of hurt and irreparable damage in your trail. Give your wife a chance to help you and keep her/your family intact.
FEEDBACK regarding the woman thinking about moving in with her boyfriend who snores (June 21):
Reader — “In my first marriage, I wore earplugs nightly which eventually harmed my eardrum. With my second husband, I started leaving the room to sleep elsewhere because I needed a good sleep to cope with my hectic job.
“He is so great that he would take turns with me. Then we got a rescue dog who insisted on sleeping in our room (on her own bed). Wonderful hubby and I now get up once or twice in the night each to pee.
“We bought a house with the best layout and we snuggle up (and more) before bed, but then he goes to the next bedroom, separated by a bathroom, because we got tired of waking each other up as well as the dog. We now sleep blissfully and are very, very happy together.
“So, there are other options.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
