Dear Lisi: Last night, I woke up when I heard a noise outside my window. My blinds were drawn, so I just peeked out, thinking it was an animal rummaging through the garbage bins. Instead, I saw two people kissing on the street, tumbling into cars and garbage bins.
I was about to turn away when I thought I recognized one and took a second look. At that point, she caught my eye, and I ducked down. It was my married neighbour! I only know her to say hi in passing on the street.
I’m afraid to bump into her now. What do I say?
Nighttime Secrets
Nothing! You don’t know her, and she doesn’t know you. Her business is not yours. If she chooses to kiss someone on her own street in the middle of the night, that’s her life. And you have no idea who the other person was, so just walk away and leave it.
Dear Lisi: I have a problem. I want to have sex with my boyfriend every time we’re together, but he doesn’t. We’ll go for a walk, and I’m so attracted to him, I want to stop and kiss him passionately on the street. He pulls away, embarrassed because we’re in public. When we go to a movie, I want to lean in on him, maybe even touch him, but he pushes my hand away. And as soon as we’re home, I want to rip his clothes off and have sex. But he’s not into it.
What am I doing wrong?
More Sex Please
You’re not doing anything wrong; you’re just not doing what he wants. You don’t have matching libidos, which isn’t going to bode well for a healthy, happy relationship from both your points of view. He’s going to become self-conscious if he feels he’s not as sexual as you want/need him to be and you’re just going to get more frustrated if you need/want more sexual activity than he can give you.
It’s time to evaluate your relationship. You’re young, unmarried and don’t have children together. I’m not telling you what to do, but in some areas of life, compatibility is more important, and sex is one of those areas.
Dear Lisi: My husband and I just got married a few months ago. Everything is great in our life and relationship except one thing. Whenever we’re out with his buddies, married or otherwise, he has a new habit of commenting on my breasts. He’ll say something like, “Babe, your tits look great tonight.” And then he’ll wink at his friends.
It’s so embarrassing and demeaning, and he’s never spoken that way before. I’ve mentioned it to him a few times, but he brushes me off. What’s going on and how do I stop it?
Wife woes
Your husband is showing you and your marriage off in a way he thinks will make him look good to his friends. He needs to understand that you don’t like it and that there’s no need for that kind of talk.
Talk to him again, but if he still doesn’t get it, maybe talk to one of his friends who can speak to him on your behalf.
FEEDBACK Regarding the person unable to deal with death (Aug. 20):
Reader #1 — “This person may not be able to come up with brilliant messages on the spot but ought to be able, if this tragedy involves a death, to take some time to write a simple sympathy note, and perhaps make a small memorial donation. And whether it’s a death or something else, you don’t have to offer a perfect speech that immediately soothes and heals the griever’s wounds. ‘I’m so sorry’ is all one needs to say in any sad situation. The important thing is acknowledging the suffering.”
Reader #2 — “I agree that the person who wrote they were frozen in trauma, and was even dumped as a friend because of it, should receive some counselling. However, I think you missed a very simple method of helping them respond to others.
“I suggest they pick up a few nice cards that simply say, ‘thinking of you’ and then write on them ‘sending you loving thoughts’, or something similar, sign them and have them at the ready. Even frozen as to what to do or say, the person can put an address and stamp on a card and put it in the mail. At least this is personal as compared to asking someone else to pass on their wishes, which is OK but not personal.”
“Even this simple act of responding to trauma could help them to be able to step forward and eventually do more.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
