Dear Lisi: Two of my three adult children rent houses on my two small properties. I have no pension, so my rentals are my pension plan. My kids constantly demand more from me and block me access to my properties, even though initially I told them I would keep one bedroom in each house for storage and occasional sleepovers.
My 29-year-old son calls me a “monster” for staying overnight in my city bedroom, and my son-in-law threatened to sign divorce papers (from my daughter) if I ever knock on his door again. The back story is that my daughter asked me to come check her out because she was coughing, couldn’t breathe and was afraid she might die. She never told her husband she asked me to come over, so he thought I showed up just to “check up” on them.
My ex blamed me for all of his failings, and I feel my kids are doing the same. They get really, really angry whenever I try to discuss things with them. According to them, I apparently have everything while their dad is “struggling” as the owner of a boutique private seniors’ home, so can’t be expected to help them out at all.
Can you give me some words to help me set boundaries? I need help communicating to them that, in exchange for super cheap rent, I get to stay in my bedroom once or twice a week. And…. I can knock on their door without being accused of destroying their marriage.
Blame Game
I think you’re mixing everything up too closely. There are too many strings attached here. Your son and son-in-law don’t sound very friendly; however, your arrangement seems boundaryless, which isn’t fair to them, or healthy for your relationship.
I suggest you come up with a different arrangement with the help of a lawyer. I am not a lawyer, but you could, for example, get different tenants who aren’t related and up the rent, thereby getting you more for your retirement. Or you could keep a closet in the basement or garage for storage, as opposed to a bedroom in the main house. If you need a place to stay, you could set up a granny flat with private entrance, thereby giving your children and yourself privacy from each other.
Dear Lisi: I’ve been helping my boyfriend’s brother get his new company up and running while I’m in between school and my summer plans. The idea behind the company is really innovative and I think it has a lot of potential.
The problem is twofold: 1) My boyfriend’s brother is a lazy stoner who comes to work pumped, but then smokes a joint and falls into a stupor leaving the rest of us to figure out next steps; and 2) He’s always trying to hit on me when he’s stoned, and then apologizes when he’s not.
I haven’t shared any of this with my boyfriend because he would be so angry (and disappointed) with his brother. But I’m not sure how much longer I want to stay in these working conditions. What should I do?
Awkward situation
You have no choice but to talk to your boyfriend. You need support! You shouldn’t be wasting your time working for someone who isn’t committed to his own project. And you shouldn’t be subject to his unwanted advances. Telling his brother, your boyfriend, isn’t being a tattletale – it’s showing care and concern for your employer and the future of his company AND protecting yourself from any unwelcome attention.
It’s time to look for a new job and keep your distance from this man for the time being.
FEEDBACK Regarding the bride who upset her cousin regarding her plus one (April 24):
Reader - “My response depends on who EXACTLY the invitation was addressed to. If it was specifically to her cousin and the cousin’s boyfriend, then the bride is fully in her right to refuse the 12-year-old.
“But, if the invitation was to her cousin “plus one,” then definitely the bride should apologize for her knee-jerk reaction. However, it was still wrong of the cousin to assume she could just fill that spot with whomever she chose.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who suffers from allergies and her friend’s party (May 1):
Reader – “Duhhh! MASKS! People still can wear them and they are now publicly accepted.”
I Still Wear One
Lisi – Not a bad idea, but I don’t believe a mask alone is enough protection in this case.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
