Dear Lisi: My friend is beautiful, smart, funny, kind and generous. She’s an incredible friend and I love her so much. But she says she “doesn’t like people.”
I met her at a course we both took after university. We sat next to each other and started chatting. I admit, I was the one who initiated the conversation, but she was a quick win. Like I said, she’s very funny and personable.
But I’ve seen her completely switch off, and it’s sad. For example, we went travelling one spring. We hopped in a gondola to go up a mountain for a spectacular view and planned on hiking down. An older couple joined us in the gondola just as the doors were closing. They were laughing and having so much fun. I struck up a conversation with them and had a most enjoyable ride.
My friend didn’t say one word. I don’t want her to be afraid — I want her to shine her light on the whole world. I also know that she wants to find a nice guy. How will this happen if she literally goes mute?
I want to help her overcome her fear and anxieties.
Wishful Friend
You are a good friend to be so concerned, but your friend is who she is, and that’s not going to change unless she wants it to. For now, just be her wing-woman. When she meets the right person, she’ll come out of her shell. She did for you.
FEEDBACK Regarding the mom concerned about her daughter’s friend (Dec. 21):
Reader – “While there may be nothing untoward happening at home to make the younger friend want to get out, please consider that there is also every possibility that something is amiss.
“When I was younger than nine and into my teens, I visited friends whenever possible and did everything within my means to be an asset to my friends’ parents. I knew many of them had tight finances and I was fully aware that feeding and housing me cost them money.
“I would help clear and set the table, do dishes, clean the kitchen, the floors, vacuum and help with laundry. I potty-trained my best friend’s youngest brother and read the younger children bedtime stories.
“I helped with shopping, put away groceries, cleaned the bathrooms and performed other assorted chores. I genuinely wanted to help (it was a real morale booster to be appreciated and thanked for my help), but I also did it because I knew by being an asset, the parents would invite me to stay.
“My mother and father were disinterested parents, and as the youngest of four children, I was too often at the mercy of my siblings. My parents were alcoholics and abusive (both sexual and physical), but this was not known outside of my house. My parents were so uninvolved that it fell to my eldest sister to sign my report cards, and no one ever showed up for parents’ night, my graduations, nor my wedding (only my brother attended the latter).
“So perhaps this woman and her daughter are providing a safe haven, attention and much-needed love and security. I cannot imagine how I would have turned out if my friends and their parents had not taken me in under their wing.
“I would encourage your readers to welcome and shelter those who seem to need refuge and a good meal because you never know what is going on behind closed doors.
“I do not exaggerate by saying it likely saved me and if not me, it at least gave my mind and body a chance to recover and heal and likely saved my sanity.”
Was once a ‘Bonus Child.’
My boyfriend is a great guy, and we have a nice relationship. We’ve been together eight months and we’re discussing moving in together soon. He’s thoughtful, communicative and attentive. He’s also a bit shy which I find endearing.
The only red flag is that every dog we meet, whether my parents’ or a random one on the street, all snarl and bare teeth at him. I haven’t seen a single dog not react this way to him.
I love dogs and was hoping to get one once we moved in together. But now I’m not sure.
Thoughts?
Dog-flagged
Your boyfriend is giving off a vibe that dogs seem to sense. It’s probably fear-based. If he’s willing, it would be great for him to see a therapist, to figure out what’s going on. Hopefully, it’s something he can overcome. And a puppy of your own, that you get after it’s weaned, will love you both.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
