Dear Lisi: I’m looking to have an affair. That may sound crazy because most affairs happen “by accident” to people who are already married. This often leads to a problem between the married couple, and then either they divorce, or they move past it. I’m married, but very unhappily. My wife is in full menopause and totally uninterested in any intimacy and sexual activity. I’ve made overtures, we’ve talked about it, I’ve begged her, but she’s shut the door to her sexual being.
I’m sure you’re thinking that there are other ways to “get it on” with my wife, but I’ve tried EVERYTHING! And I’m tired of self-pleasure. I need some human touch. But I do NOT want to go to a prostitute.
Do you have any suggestions?
Horny as Hell
In fact, I do. I recently learned of a website specifically for people looking for a lover, with no strings attached. You create a profile, usually with some sexual overtone, and then hope for the best. People reach out to you, while you can reach out to people too. For those I know who have used this site, once there is a connection made, conversation ensues and a chance to get to know a little bit about one another. You can chat for as long as you want before meeting in person. But when you do meet in person, the point is to get between the sheets. So, it’s not a dating site…. it’s a “let’s have sex” site.
That’s the practical piece. But as a relationship advice columnist, I’m guessing that you wrote to me because you’d rather work on your relationship then have an affair. So, here’s my suggestion: take your wife out on a romantic date. Don’t push the sex issue. And just talk. Get her to open up about what’s going on with her, both physically and emotionally. Suggest to her that you want to help her live a full life and that you’d like to go with her to the doctor to learn more about what she’s going through and how you can have a happy marriage – in every sense of the word – together.
Even though she’s not giving you what you want/need, I doubt she’ll be happy with you finding it elsewhere. Try harder.
Dear Lisi: My girlfriend and I were out for drinks with two other couples over the holidays. We all had a few too many and were very happy. Something came up in conversation and my girlfriend asked one of the other women if she would like a ménage à trois with us. We all laughed at how the conversation had turned sexual, but there was a twinkle in my girlfriend’s eye that I believe she really meant it.
We’ve never talked about this type of sexual activity, and the truth is, I could be into it. But it would depend with whom. And I’m not at all into the woman she was soliciting. We still haven’t discussed what went down, because I’m not sure if I want to bring it up.
The problem is that we bumped into the other couple yesterday and now I’m extremely uncomfortable. What should I do?
Is three a crowd?
Being involved in a ménage à trois only works if and only if ALL THREE people are consensual and into it. You could say yes, but not really want to. That won’t work. Talk to your girlfriend. Tell her you’ve been thinking about her proposal. Tell her you’d be into it with the right person. Then together, choose that person and go for it.
And the next time you see the woman your wife asked, just laugh and say, thanks for the idea. Don’t let it get weird.
FEEDBACK Regarding the uncaring daughter (Oct. 23):
Reader – “I’m an ‘uncaring’ daughter and I sympathize with the young woman who has come up short with her family’s expectations. I suspect there’s a lot of negativity and control issues in her family who resent that their daughter has left them in order to create her own life filled with positive people and experiences. I did the same thing because I was sick and tired of constantly being dragged back into the family fold, which was a miasma of sibling rivalry, emotional manipulation and parental put-downs. Some people have the bad luck to be born into a dysfunctional or toxic family. If that’s the case, run away as far and fast as you can, and don’t look back. There’s a wonderful life ahead of you, and it doesn’t include your family. Go for it!”
Happy
Lisi – I think you may be making assumptions based on your own experience.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
