Dear Lisi: My sister and I used to be very, very close. We were actually competitive figure skating partners and made it through to high level championships when we were younger. We continued to skate through university, but it was harder as she left home while I was still in high school, and then we were in separate universities.
We both stopped skating, started dating (other people), and moving on with our lives, but I honestly didn’t think it would affect our relationship. She’s my sister! But as soon as I met my now-wife, my sister basically stopped talking to me, and all of our mutual friends. She married a guy none of us could bear (they’re divorced), and moved away.
She is cold and distant to our parents, and always angry with me for reasons I cannot even fathom. What did I do wrong to push her away? Is there any hope for our sibling relationship?
Bro No Mo’
Well, I can’t say for certain that you didn’t do anything to upset your sister, but you didn’t mention anything untoward. It sounds to me as though your sister got stuck – maybe even peaked — as a star figure skater, and her identity is tied to that persona. Once that ended, she didn’t know how to move on.
Unfortunately, without professional help, there’s not much you can do. She is who she is, until she chooses to change.
Dear Lisi: My wife and I were at an engagement party last weekend for a friend of mine. It was a fun party with lots of alcohol flowing. We were staying overnight at the hotel venue, so we both decided to let loose. I didn’t realize how drunk my wife was, until she grabbed a bottle of champagne out of the bride-to-be’s hands, started drinking it straight from the bottle, and then threw it into the woods. The bride was surprised and very annoyed. She left in a huff and wouldn’t speak to us the following day.
My wife remembers nothing. How do I make this right?
OTT
Oh yikes! Bad move. Your wife really has to apologize, whether she remembers or not. And add a bottle of champagne (or two) to your gift. It may take time, but the bride will eventually laugh about it. Until then, lay low.
And perhaps your wife should take a hiatus from drinking.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who wants to keep the money left to her husband’s children (Oct. 12):
Reader – “I was surprised by your answer. A will is a legal document that allocates money to certain people. There are laws that apply, even if relationships have broken down. I’m not a lawyer, but it could be illegal for the widow to keep that money when the will says it goes to the children. She could be setting herself up for a nasty lawsuit down the road. At minimum, this woman should be directed to get legal advice. If she is the executor, she has legal obligations.”
Lisi – I don’t think the widow wants to keep the money; and she has spoken with a lawyer. She wrote “He had changed his will long before, shortly after we got married 20 years ago, to reflect me as his main inheritor, with some funds for his children. We also agreed that if he should die before me, I would make a significant attempt at getting to know his grandchildren (if there were any), and I would have monies set aside for them. It’s been a year since his death, and none of my attempts to reach out to his children, regarding his grandchildren, have been acknowledged. I feel I’ve tried everything, even getting the help of a lawyer, informing the children of the money set aside for their children. Still nothing.”
Reader #2 – “If you know your husband’s grandchildren’s names, you could set some money aside in trusts for them to be received at age 21. Then these grandchildren will be of age to decide if they would like this gift. If they refuse the trust, it could go to a charity of the wife’s choice.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the young girl yearning for attention from her mom (Oct. 11):
Reader – “While your advice to Hoping for Hugs, the 14-year-old who receives no affection from her mother, was a wonderful response, you did not mention examples of who the young person might seek assistance from, such as ANY TRUSTED adult. Including ANY TRUSTED family member, or an adult at school, or anyone in the medical or mental health field… etc.
“Keep asking until you find help for yourself and possibly your mother and family. There IS help out there.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
