Dear Lisi: Help! My mom is so embarrassing! My parents divorced when I was two years old, and my mom has been single since. Just recently a new family joined our school, with two little boys, several years younger than me. Apparently, their mom moved back to her home country and just left the kids with their dad.
He’s good-looking, especially compared to all the other dads at school. But my mom is so obviously flirting with him, it’s gross. I’m old enough to walk home and did all last year. But now my mom comes to meet me so she can chat with this single dad.
She wears clothes she would never normally wear to pick me up. Her hair is down, make-up on, and a nice shirt or sweater. It’s cringy.
I want my mom to be happy, but why does she have to be with a dad at my school? This is so embarrassing!
Not my mom
I’m going to guess that you’re a tween/teen, and at your age, no matter what your mom does, it’s going to embarrass you. It’s an age/stage thing. So why not turn it around? Instead of allowing her to embarrass you, help her out. You said you want her to be happy, and it sounds as though she’s been single for about a decade.
Without making too many assumptions, I’m guessing she’s managed to work and parent you, all on her own, and during a global pandemic. She deserves a medal! She probably hasn’t had much time to herself, or even the chance to meet someone to date.
Why don’t you and your friends help her out? Offer to babysit the boys so the dad and your mom can go out for dinner. Then they don’t have to meet up at school, in front of everyone. Suggest a trip to the mall with one of your friends to find your mom a new outfit, one that you approve of.
Your mom will love your help and input, and who knows? Doesn’t your mom deserve the chance to date and find a partner?
Just to pre-empt any readers who don’t think I’m taking your feelings into consideration…. Yes, I understand that for years it’s been just the two of you. Don’t be afraid. Your mom isn’t going to leave you for this man and his two boys. If anything, you could become a group of five. But that’s a while down the road.
Dear Lisi: My wife has anger issues. Her father was an abusive alcoholic, and her mother was a passive victim who was often catatonic. Small things can trigger my wife. But she hides it all very, very well.
The first time I saw any inkling of her uncontrollable rage was when we were planning our wedding. Something happened that sent her off the rails. (Lisi – I omitted the details so as not to out the letter writer.) It took myself, my sister, and my mom to calm her down and find a solution that appeased her.
My mom took me aside after that incident and suggested I take a deep look into whether I want that in my life. At the time, I couldn’t believe it was more than a one-off. But Mom was right. It’s been a few years and I can’t do this anymore.
Managing my marriage
Your wife needs help. She needs to work through how and why her childhood formed her. She needs help to manage her own anger. As a couple, you could help her by supporting her through her journey. But if she refuses to get that help, you have every right to live your life free of her issues.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman complaining about her boring husband (Sept. 13):
Reader 1 – “Her husband may be exhibiting the symptoms of someone with impaired hearing. As a sufferer, I can relate to being present in a group but being unable to understand what is being said. It’s easier to just smile while nodding your head. He may well be in denial.”
Reader 2 – “I wasn’t too far into the above letter, when I said to myself, ‘That man is deaf.’ I know about that because deaf people are usually always smiling to hide their disability. Has this avenue been explored?”
FEEDBACK Regarding the boy caught scratching a neighbour’s car (Aug. 16/Sept. 19):
Reader – “I totally agree with Lisi. In today’s world doing such is just asking for further trouble. Going to the police was the correct move, even if the parents were receptive. There is now a formal paper trail if anything further happens.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
