Dear Lisi: My older sister and I have always been best friends since childhood. In the last couple of years, her oldest daughter, who I love dearly, has decided she wishes to be called “they.” I refuse to do it. “They” means two people.
So, the other night, my sister and I were discussing something else completely but then when this came up, I initially tried to avoid it, saying, “We will not agree on this so let’s just don’t.” She demanded we discuss it. And I basically repeated what I said above. It didn’t end well and now I’m not even sure we have a relationship anymore as she will not answer my texts.
All I said was that I still love her and everyone in her family, but we disagree on how this should be addressed. My younger sister says to let it lie, but I don’t want to lose a 40-year relationship over something so silly.
Any advice would be appreciated as it would really stink if one of us doesn’t come to Christmas dinner.
Old-fashioned linguist
As a writer, I, too, default to thinking that “they” means more than one person. However, according to the Oxford English dictionary, the singular “they” showed up more than 600 years ago. In 2019, it was named Merriam-Webster’s word of the year; and in 2020 it was named the American Dialect Society’s word of the decade. It is now commonly used in everyday English to replace “he/she,” when gender needs to be kept private, or the subject is non-binary or unknown.
In other words, you are in the wrong. My advice would be to apologize to both your sister and your niece. Explain that you learned “they” to be a plural and it’s difficult for you to get your head around it’s “new” meaning. However, you will do anything for the people you love, and if your niece wishes to be referred to as “they,” you will try your best to accommodate.
Dear Lisi: My mom likes to exercise daily, which is important for her health. I get that. But she insists on exercising in JUST her bra and underwear. She’s often in her own room, so I don’t have to see her, but occasionally, she likes to follow a video while working out, and then she’s in the basement where we have the big TV.
I guess it didn’t bother me when I was little, maybe I didn’t even notice. But now I’m a teenager and I think it’s weird. I’m not sure what to do because I can’t tell her where she’s allowed to be in her own home, but I’m uncomfortable when she’s not wearing more than her underwear.
Can you help?
Underwear Exercise
There’s a period when a child becomes a teenager that gets confusing for both the child and the parents. It’s called adolescence and it’s a period of huge growth, physically, emotionally and psychologically. And though it occurs over many years, for parents, it can seem to happen overnight.
It may not even occur to your mom that you have hit that stage where seeing her half-naked is unappealing. She’ll no doubt remember how she felt when she was a teenager seeing her parents in a state of half undress, so it won’t come as a surprise. She just probably doesn’t realize the time is now.
Next time you’re together and she’s fully dressed, you can ask her when she stopped running around her house without a shirt on in front of her dad. She’ll hopefully twig. If not, you can gently say that you feel uncomfortable when she’s half-dressed, so you’re asking her to kindly workout in her room, or let you know when she’ll be in the basement. I think that’s fair.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who thinks she needs a month to recover from cataract surgery (Oct. 31):
Reader – “Just to clarify/aid in the woman’s dilemma, I have a degree in nursing, and I’ve had cataract surgeries on both eyes. The actual procedure takes about 15 minutes, although everyone needs to go through the day surgery admitting process upon arrival before having the surgery. You’re awake the whole time, maybe somewhat sedated in some cases.
“After the surgery is completed, you’ll be taken to a recovery area where you’ll be served juice and a light snack. You’re going to require someone to drive you home, but your sight is immediately improved after the procedure. This woman should contact the ophthalmologic surgeon because I’ve never heard of someone needing a month’s recovery and I’ve had cataract surgeries on both eyes, each two weeks apart.
“Hope this eases her stress.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
