Dear Lisi: I’m getting married and only have three sisters in my family. One is sick and unable to attend; the other suffers from narcissistic personality disorder and after many years of enforcing boundaries, I have had to cease having a relationship with her. The third won’t go out in public, still, because of COVID. Not even to an outdoor event.
I’m not sure what I should say to people who ask why my family won’t be in attendance. The wedding will be small, but I don’t know how to respond appropriately. Can you please provide any advice?
Solo Bride
I can’t quite get a read on your tone, and therefore, I’m not sure of your angle. This is an unfortunate situation, however, part of it is self-imposed, so you can’t play the pity card.
Is the sick sister going to get better? If so, could you postpone the wedding? Or could you hold the ceremony somewhere close to her so she could attend even just briefly? Would she attend if she were well?
The other two sisters have mental health issues that do not in any way reflect on you. The one still clinging on to COVID restrictions is doing so to her own disadvantage. Yes, the COVID virus still exists, but so does the common cold, pneumonia, mono, strep, etc. We all must learn how to keep ourselves healthy and strong so we can build immunities to these viruses.
You say the wedding is small and intimate, so won’t everyone there already know your family situation? You could pre-empt any questions by mentioning your three sisters in your speech (for example, I know my sisters would be proud of me and I wish they could all be here); or you could just give a blanket response, such as, “my sisters are unfortunately unwell and unable to be here.”
Bottom line — it’s nobody’s business. As long as you have made peace with the situation. Enjoy your wedding day and live your life to the fullest.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the man with SSHL (Sept. 25):
“My partner of over 30 years developed SSHL three years ago. He woke up one morning saying he couldn’t hear anything in one ear. We had lots of interventions, but the summary is that if you don’t take steroids within 48 hours, the chances of getting your hearing back are very low. He had a visit to the ER in the middle of the diagnosis, the ER doctors didn’t know about SSHL, but he explained what he had learned, and they confirmed his information. They gave him an emergency appointment the next day with an audiologist.
“Now we live with it — and here are a few tips:
Loud spaces are a problem. Be open about the disability. We now only go to smaller, quieter restaurants. We also ask them to turn the background music down (not all accommodate).
When travelling, airports offer a ‘sunflower badge’ which is for people who have an ‘invisible disability’. This helps airport staff accommodate the traveller.
At the theatre, we book a hearing device, which helps block out background noise. Some bigger cinemas also offer this service.
You need to find a good audiologist who can help guide you through this process.
“Background noise is our biggest issue, and if you can minimize that, you can participate in most things.
“There has been an increase in SSHL since COVID. No one is sure if it’s a side effect of COVID or, that if your immune system is weak, you’re more susceptible to viruses.”
Dear Lisi: I’m a good-looking guy, have lots of friends and am a few years into a great career. I’m making good money and I love to have fun. I have plenty of female friends, some of whom would like to be more than friends. I’ve kissed one or two, but…. I’m not attracted to any of them more than just as a friend.
I want to be in a relationship but can’t seem to find anyone who excites me. What am I doing wrong?
Date-able
I can’t answer that because I haven’t seen you in action. But probably nothing. Just be yourself, enjoy your life as it is, stay social and through your activities and friend group, you’ll meet someone new who gets your blood churning.
It’s hard to see on this side but enjoy this time in your life for what it is. Once you enter a relationship and move forward — marriage, kids, family — it’s never this carefree again.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
