Dear Lisi: I honestly can’t stand being around my husband most of the time. He’s just so boring and flat. He smiles a lot, and laughs, but doesn’t have much to add to the conversation. We don’t see eye to eye on anything, especially how to enjoy life.
Recently, we met up with some friends of his at the beach. I was reluctant to go, but thought it might be fun for the kids. Two couples were there with their children, and it was actually fun. The two other wives were really nice and friendly, and we talked the whole day.
But whenever I’d look over at my husband, he was smiling, but just nodding his head and listening to the other guys talk. I was cringing! On top of that, one of the other husbands kept staring at me, and I think I felt a spark.
Apparently, they all had so much fun they want to do a family BBQ in the very near future. I want to say yes so I can see that man again. My husband is hemming and hawing, not sure because he thinks he won’t have anything to talk about after seeing them just recently.
What do you think we should do?
Bored
There’s a lot going on here. Let’s start at the beginning: You can’t stand your husband. Not to be flippant, but why are you still together? I know it’s not that easy to go from unhappily married to happily divorced, but it’s your life to live to the best of your ability.
As for getting together with his friends, it was great that you went, and a bonus that everyone had fun. But even on a fun outing with friendly people and happy children, you were cringing at your husband. It’s not hard to surmise that your relationship is unhealthy.
Lastly, the other husband and the spark. Drop it. For now, at least. You’ve got too much going on. You liked his wife, so leave their marriage alone. If he has a wandering eye, that’s his problem. Don’t get involved. You need to sort out your own home before you go out and wreck someone else’s.
So, what do I think you should do? Get yourselves to a marriage counsellor and figure out how to fix your relationship, or how to end it.
FEEDBACK Regarding the man who felt inadequate (Aug. 2):
Reader – “The advice you gave was spot-on, but I felt like a very important option was left out. In this situation, the use of sexual toys might be very helpful. If he/she was not up to performing and the other person wanted to be satisfied, using the toys together could be quite beneficial to both and actually enhance the relationship.
“And everyone is then satisfied.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the fashionable summer intern (Aug. 9):
Reader – “I am a high school teacher. It is always the girls who get sent to the office for dress code infractions. Us women are constantly being sent messages: put on makeup to look pretty, but not too much as to look trashy. Wear clothes that suit your figure and are appealing but not too sexy so as not to appear inappropriate.
I was so disheartened to now hear, “Dress so that you blend in with what others are wearing at the office so as not to cause any jealousy???”
“No one should tell a woman how to dress. Ever. Unless there is a uniform or safety gear required, there is zero reason that this woman should be told what to wear.
“What if these types of clothes are all she owns? What if that is the ‘armour’ she wears to feel comfortable in this world?
Lisi — Perhaps my message didn’t come across as clearly as I would have liked. I wasn’t suggesting the intern change her dress code to melt into the background and conform. But I was suggesting that the letter writer help this very young woman “read the room.”
She’s not a Kardashian. She doesn’t have to dress to the height of fashion to go to her office job. And if her dress is hindering her work, then yes, someone needs to tell her.
It’s not specific to her culture, or religion. She is just young and stylish.
You misquoted me, as I never said she needed to dress like others in the office — on the contrary. Though I agree that no one should tell a woman how to dress, you wouldn’t let someone play tennis in heels, or wear a taffeta dress to the beach. Sometimes, it’s just about being new.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnistsbased in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
