Dear Lisi: My husband and I are in our 50s, and we’re starting the process of divorce. We have two daughters, one 19, the other 21. I have just been told by a friend that my husband has started dating a 27-year-old.
I’m surprised at his choice because I never thought he would go that route; but worse, I have no idea what to say to my girls, other than “Ewww, yuck!” I can’t imagine that they are going to take this information easily. In past discussions, they have always frowned upon “cougars” and men dating much younger women. Now their father is dating a woman closer to their age than his!
What are my next steps?
Happily Separated
Keep your opinions to yourself. No eye-rolling, fake gagging, or even laughing. This will be hard to do, I can assure you. Look, you know how your daughters are going to feel. But you have to show them that you are above it.
Your marriage didn’t dissolve because he was cheating, or had a wandering eye, or was going through a mid-life crisis. It ended because it was over. No love lost. So, rise above because what he does now only matters if it negatively impacts your daughters. And though you may say, well, touché – your daughters are old enough to not be impacted by this fleeting moment in their father’s life.
Not everyone will agree with me, and in all fairness, if I was one of your daughters, I wouldn’t be happy at all. But you need to help the girls see past their own viewpoint.
Dear Lisi: My best friend just starting dating a new guy, and from the minute I met him, I can’t stop staring at him. I feel like the sisters in that play “Hamilton.” But I’m the one pining after him silently.
I think he knows because he looks at me very deeply and sweetly. One time I saw that my best friend was watching us so I pulled a silly face and he started to laugh. I told her we were having a staring contest. She called us both immature, but laughed and walked away.
She’s my best friend ever and I would never do anything to hurt her or sabotage her relationship. But I don’t really think they’re meant for each other. He’s so much more someone I would date. And she told me that before I met him.
They met during the summer when she and I were separate, and were already together two months before I met him. But I can’t help my feelings. I honestly think I’m in love with him.
BFF’s Beau
Oh boy. This isn’t the first time I’ve received a letter like this, so be happy knowing it happens all the time. But there are variations on the ending — some that will work in your favour…. And some that won’t.
You need to be the bigger person here. You need to get a grip on your feelings and put them away, for the sake of your friendship. I know — easier said than done, for sure. But you must.
At this point in their relationship, you can’t tell her, or him, how you feel. But you would benefit from having a confidante who you trust implicitly. Explain the situation and ask for their help as your muffler, meaning, tell them everything to get it out so it doesn’t bottle up inside of you.
Let their relationship play out. If it’s very short-lived, and you think your friend can handle it, tell her how you feel and ask her if she minds. If she’s your true bestie, she’ll bow out gracefully.
Stay strong because your chance may never come. Only time will tell.
FEEDBACK Regarding the parents concerned about their daughter switching universities (Aug. 19):
Reader — “I had to chuckle at this letter about the daughter who wants to follow her boyfriend to his university of choice. As you noted, she will figure this out in due course, and if the relationship doesn’t work, she may even lose a year in the process.
“I followed my then girlfriend to university and she dumped me within two months of first year. A lesson learned.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the Family Feud (Aug. 21):
Reader — “I am not a doctor nor medically trained. But, my mother had rapidly developing dementia. My saving grace was understanding the stages and progression of dementia.
“I strongly recommend getting educated and informed regarding Alzheimer’s and dementia, especially the ‘eight stages of dementia.’
“Understanding really helped me cope and understand that dementia is the disease and NOT the person.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
