Dear Lisi: My wife is so negative, and I just can’t take it anymore. I love her and we have a good relationship. We parent our two children well together and are mostly sympatico on how we feel about life issues. But lately, she’s becoming more and more negative.
We have been trying to purchase a new cottage. Our old family cottage was falling apart so we sold the property, split the profit between myself and my two siblings and are each going our separate ways. We’ve been in the market for a long time because that sale happened just before COVID-19, and the prices went through the roof. Anyway, every time we find one we like, she mutters incessantly how we’ll lose it to a higher bidder, and then we do, and she goes off on a “told you so” rant.
The same thing is starting to happen with our daughter who is applying to several different dance companies. I can’t take my wife’s negativity. I think it’s affecting everyone.
Negative Nag
It sounds to me as though your wife is going through an insecure phase. A possible reason could be her hormonal stage. You didn’t mention her age, but perimenopause can cause some women to feel insecure. She may also be fighting off depression, which often starts with a person feeling negative about everything around them.
Or perhaps this is her way of protecting herself from disappointment. If you have low to no expectations, then when something doesn’t go the way you want, you don’t plunge into despair.
It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on with your wife, but I suggest you speak with her. Tell her you’re feeling a lot of negativity coming from her and does she realize that’s the vibe she’s putting out. She may not recognize what’s happening. Perhaps you could gently suggest she speak with her doctor about her feelings. She may receive some insight, treatment, medication, etc. It’s worth a try.
Dear Lisi: My daughter is full of energy! She comes home from school (she’s nine years old) and doesn’t stop talking – all about how her day went, who did what to whom, who said what to whom, etc. A few days a week she has extracurricular activities after school, and she still comes home chattering with even more to talk about.
She talks all through dinner, bath time and fights off going to sleep. We love listening to her because her voice is so cute, and she has such an innocent view on everything. But by the time she crashes, we are wiped!
But the biggest issue is that she goes to bed later than she should, then can’t get up in the morning and the day starts off with nagging and pressure. How can we stop this cycle that’s negatively affecting all of us?
Tired Dad
Parenting is not for the weak! Though you never want to stop your child from talking to you, sometimes parameters need to be set. At the dinner table, help her get through the meal by saying, for example, that she needs to eat one bite of all the different items on her plate before she can start a story. Then every two or three minutes, she needs to take another bite of everything on her plate.
Once dinner is done, move on to bath time. Same idea – she can talk for two minutes after she’s washed her hair; again after she’s washed her body, or whatever. Then lie down with her and set a timer for her storytelling. The goal is to get her to sleep earlier so she can get her necessary REM time.
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple who gifted their properties to their children (April 19):
Reader – “I am in my late eighties and am concerned about my will.
“I am greatly disturbed by the comments of the parent with six children and seven properties. The resolution, at least for me, is extremely simple. Sell the properties and give the total to organizations who help people in need. You’ve assisted your children generously. They can survive well on their own.
“We’ve assisted each of our four children to some degree with their university education. We also assisted with the down payment on their first homes. For the past 10 years I give them charity funds annually. Presently, at my demise, ALL the possessions and investments I have will go to about 23 charities. My children will receive the total amount and forward it to charities over the next three years.
“Let’s assist others. We already have ample resources.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
