Dear Lisi: My teenage daughter is non-binary. She has never had a sexual relationship with, or even dated, anyone. Until she hit puberty, she dressed herself in typical “little girl clothing,” like dresses, skirts, and flowery tops, all in shades of pink.
She spent the summer between middle school and high school mostly with her cousins out East. I didn’t sense any change in her upon her return. On the first day of high school, she dressed in a beautiful but casual summer dress (it was very warm), and literally skipped off to school.
By that weekend, she had changed 180 degrees and was head-to-toe in black — jeans, boots, ripped shirt and leather jacket. It was shocking, merely based on the intensity of the change. My husband and I were, and continue to be, supportive, though he sometimes quietly tells me that he misses his sweet little girl.
Her friends have all changed, though she’s still very close with her all-time bestie. Her taste in music has changed; she’s no longer a Swiftie, but now listens to loud music I’ve never heard before. Even her sense of humour has changed — she no longer plays silly harmless pranks on her older brother — and in all honesty, she barely cracks a smile.
What is this and should I be worried?
Mama
The only thing that causes me concern, from your letter, is her seeming lack of happiness. That she’s never dated or had a sexual relationship is fine as she’s still young.
I’m unaware of the correlation between declaring oneself non-binary and changing your entire fashion sense from traditionally “girlie” to what sounds like grunge. However, teenage years and high school are the time to experiment and learn more about yourself. This may be her fashion for life, or she may go back to dresses, or she may find some other trend that appeals.
Fashion, like hair colour and heels, is ever-changing. Unless something harmful has happened, let her experiment — with her fashion, her music, and her sexual identity — and find her place on this crazy planet.
But her lack of happiness is what’s concerning. Try to talk to her, lightly, just to see if she’s OK. Perhaps even offer her the chance to speak to someone professional. Teenage years are tough for everyone.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman depressed and looking to change her life around (Oct. 16):
Reader — “I was so distressed by your response today to the woman who called herself ‘Done Dancing.’ I don’t think you are a retired professional dancer or other retired athlete, nor are you 60 years old. Bodies wear out and dancing and other movement can be painful. Dancers can especially suffer from debilitating osteoarthritis in feet, knees, and hips.
“It’s also pretty sad that your other response focused on advising this woman to improve her appearance in ways that conform to others’ expectations and not her own. Better to advise her to choose other friends.”
Lisi — I feel like you didn’t read her question or my response. She clearly asked, “How do I change my life around at this age?” She’s borderline depressed, not feeling good about herself, and mentioned that her skin isn’t great, and that she used to care greatly about how she looked.
You are correct — I am not 60, nor a retired professional dancer or athlete, but that’s irrelevant. And she never mentioned that she has any physical pain or handicaps. So, I still believe that dancing — in any capacity — will help her mental health.
As well, I suggested she do whatever she can to feel good about herself, “…you need to look in the mirror and like what you see.” That isn’t conforming to others’ expectations at all.
FEEDBACK Regarding the incessantly barking dog (Oct. 16):
Reader — “You advised this parent to be patient and forgiving with no solution to the problem. I have had this problem and contacted my municipal animal services. I was advised that a constant barking dog always means a dog is neglected. Also, that it was a bylaw infraction. Animal services can assist with counseling and remedies and bylaw can fine those who don’t co-operate in correcting this extreme annoyance to others.”
Lisi — Wow! I gather from your response that you are not patient and forgiving. I’m glad you’re not the neighbour to this ageing old dog. I did give the woman some solution-based ideas, such as talking to the owner about moving the dog to the backyard, or moving her baby to another part of her house.
And an old dog who constantly barks while sitting beside her owner isn’t necessarily neglected.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
