Dear Lisi: My boyfriend and I were together for years. We came from the same background, our parents knew each other, it was a match made in our communities’ version of heaven. But as soon as we got engaged, I knew I couldn’t go through with it. He didn’t light me on fire. He was solid, kind, smart, loving, but boring, dull and I knew if I married him, I’d run away shortly thereafter.
So, I broke it off. Everyone hated me – my boyfriend, his parents, his sister who was one of my closest friends, my parents, my brother who was one of his closest friends, etc. Even my grandmother was angry with me. But I knew I had done the right thing.
I ran away to Europe and found excitement on every beach I lay my towel. I worked wherever I was needed and was happy. Until I wasn’t happy and realized I needed a real job and a real life.
I found a career on the other side of the country from my home and my ex and went about my life.
I heard he married and had children. I never did.
It’s 15 years later and I just heard that his wife left him. Apparently, she was bored. But now I’m thinking that I’ve lived my exciting years and maybe I should settle down with a good guy, a nice guy, a boring guy.
What are your thoughts on me contacting him?
Different Life
I have a few: First, you mentioned you have a life on the other side of the country from where he lives. Are you willing to uproot and go back to your hometown? I can promise you that if he has children younger than university age (which, if I’ve done my math, he does), he’s not moving.
So, if you’ve decided you’re willing to move back home, then you need to start dating him again. He’s a different man now – he’s been married, divorced, he’s a dad …. you need to get to know him AND his children. He’s no longer a single entity; he’s now part of a package deal.
But you also really need to think about all those people you hurt the last time around. Yes, it’s your life, but they were, are and will be your immediate family if you get back together. You CANNOT hurt them again. That’s a LOT of responsibility.
Take all of that into consideration before you even pick up the phone to say hello.
Dear Lisi: My mother was born in a country rife with civil unrest. Her parents fled, hid her, left her with other families, moved neighbourhoods, fled again, left her siblings with other families, and then some. There was so much movement and confusion that her stories sometimes clash with previous stories she’s told. Now that she’s getting older, my siblings and I want to know our history, but we’re afraid to ask.
How do we navigate this period when our curiosity is peaked but our mom seems to be losing her sharpness?
Memories fade
The best thing you can do is to keep asking questions and record or write down her answers. Have your siblings ask the same questions, in a different order, at a different time of day, with a different emphasis and compare notes. Then ask her siblings the same questions and any other family members or friends from her past.
You may get mixed messages but if you ask enough times, you’ll be able to put together the pieces of this puzzle that will fill out your mom’s life.
FEEDBACK Regarding the stepmom (Oct. 4):
Reader #1 – “I certainly can sympathize with this woman, having raised three children who are much older than my stepchild. Been there, done that.
“However, she decided to marry a man who’s away for work a lot and has a young child. This child needs to have a parent at these extracurricular activities.
“Not sure the mother’s role in this family setup, but it sounds like the writer and the father may have full-time custody. When you marry a person with young children, you must realize you’ll be needed for many duties you thought were in your past.
“Yes, she must speak to her husband to see if he can take over some of the activities (and the mother, since she appears to be in the picture). But she has to pull up her socks and participate fully in raising this child. Anything else is just a dereliction of duties and will likely be detrimental to the child.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star based in Toronto. Email questions via email: [email protected].
