Dear Lisi: My brother and I are both divorced. We both moved back to our home state and share in the care of our elderly mother. He has a condo in Arizona where he takes mom to spend the winters. During that time, I stay in mom’s house and take care of all her bills, the house and her cat. I visit for a week or so two or three times during the season to give my brother a break.
In the summer, my brother comes here, and we both travel with and without mom. It works itself out fairly equally and I’m OK with it. I thought my brother was too. But the other day I walked in through the back door and inadvertently caught him on the phone complaining to someone, how his whole life is all about Mom, and how much he does for her, and how little I do.
I turned back around so I don’t think he knows I heard. But I am so hurt, I can barely look at him. Should I confront him? Talk to Mom? Pretend it never happened?
Help!
Brothers-in-arms
I can’t tell you what to do because I don’t know you, your personality, or your relationship with your brother. I am a confrontational person, so I would talk to him. I would take him out for a beer, on an evening that your mom was with a friend or another relative, and then I would tell him that you overheard his conversation, and you’d like to talk about it. Give him the chance to tell you how he feels, then discuss ways to even the load of caring for your mom.
However, if you’re not so inclined as to bring the topic up, you could just quietly assess how you two divide up the chores and responsibilities, and if you see that there’s an imbalance, you could just take more on. Or you could mention to him that you’ve been thinking about how you three live your lives and was wondering if there was anything he’d like to change.
Think about which way feels right for you and go for it. You are both wonderful sons for focusing on your mom in her time of need. I am certain she appreciates you both.
Dear Lisi: I have a (maybe stupid) question: How are all these university students who are protesting on campuses across North America managing (if they even still bother) to attend class? And if they are not attending, how are they expecting to pass their courses and eventually graduate? Also, how do the people who are paying their tuition and expenses feel, knowing that their funds are being thrown away?
When I went to university, there was a person in my class who held strong political views, which he expressed vehemently, but in a peaceful and informative manner. When he was asked why he didn’t participate in the protests going on at that time, he replied that he needed his degree more to enable him to seek employment and “protest” via means that did not directly interfere with his future. He also commented that his family, who were helping with tuition and expenses, would not accept their funds just being “thrown” away.
What do you think?
Wasteful Protests
I honestly cannot answer this question. I feel terribly for the students on these campuses who simply want to go to class and learn, but can’t due to the protests. It’s not about their political views or opinions, or which side they're on. At this point, no one is getting the education that they’ve paid for, and as you rightly pointed out, tuition ain’t cheap.
I believe that universities should be clearing their campuses of protesters — again, not based on politics but because they are stopping these institutions from continuing their purpose.
FEEDBACK Regarding the Swiss grandchild coming for an extended visit (April 16):
Reader — “I know of many Swiss in sa国际传媒 who for years have complained of friends and family coming over and staying with them for holidays without paying anything or reciprocating in turn other than a small gift. Look at the Swiss exchange rate. Because of their high cost of living, their salaries are very high, so when they come over here it is like everything is half price for them. They usually come with empty suitcases because everything here costs them half price.
“The young people probably want to improve their English. They should be given a time limit, as you suggested, but then rent a car and go on a tour.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your questions to [email protected]
