Dear Lisi: For over 15 years, my wife and I have supported my in-laws. After my father-in-law’s third heart attack, he stopped working and they sold their house to their youngest son. They moved into a rental basement suite and were miserable. They have four children, but we were the only ones able to help.
My wife and I bought an investment property so they could live on their minimal monthly pension payments. The only ask was no smoking or vaping in or around the entrance. Both are smokers and have now turned to vaping. This has been an ongoing issue since they’ve moved into our house.
A few years ago, my mother-in-law went for cancer treatment and has since developed dementia and other health issues. The cancer is thankfully in remission, but her memory is rapidly deteriorating. This has been extremely difficult on her husband as she’s not been mobile and requires him to do everything, including helping her in and out of bed. She is also incontinent. We purchased another house closer to us and renovated the ground floor — both inside and outside — so that they can live comfortably. The renovation for just their suite was over $100k. My daughter, her husband and our two young grandchildren live in the same house and the kids’ rooms are on the same floor as the in-laws.
They continue to vape inside and at the entrance of the house, which is causing frustration and friction with both my daughter and my wife. We have asked them to stop doing that, and even built a shed away from the house where he can enjoy his vape. Last week, he was “caught” vaping inside the house again. He promises that he won’t do it again, but he’s been saying this for years.
I’ve started looking for places for them to rent but all are too expensive. We have shouldered this “burden” for over 15 years. I think it’s time for the other siblings to shoulder some of the responsibility and the in-laws to stop vaping. How should we proceed? This is causing friction between myself and my wife.
Vaping In-laws
If your in-laws have been smoking/vaping their whole lives, even through his three heart attacks and her cancer treatment, I doubt there’s anything you can do to get them to stop. But there’s no harm in trying.
Yes, it’s time for the other siblings to step up.
You cannot have these people – no matter who they are – smoking/vaping in your property, ESPECIALLY near your young grandchildren.
I think it’s time they find space in some kind of assisted living complex, where there are rules, and people around to help your MIL, which will in turn give your FIL a break from caregiving. Use the money they have at their disposal, and then split the rest among the four siblings. If the youngest son can afford a house, he can afford these small payments.
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Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
