Reader’s Commentary Regarding the innocent big sister (June 13):
“I was that innocent sister. On a dare, some friends and I submitted our DNA to Ancestry. I was not expecting any mysteries in my big, well-known family.
“Shortly after I submitted my DNA, I got an email through Ancestry from a woman asking me if I knew anyone from a different part of the country by her surname. I said no and brushed her off. This person showed up on my profile as being a close family member, so I was totally puzzled. Assuming that most people on Ancestry are older, I had a sinking feeling that this could be a long lost half sibling that my dad had when he served in the Second World War. Both my Mom and Dad were dead so I couldn’t ask anyone.
“Anyway, this woman persisted with her questions, and it turned out that one of my brothers had a summer fling with her mother who lived in that small cottage town. So now what to do? My brother was in his 60s and a bachelor. She had been looking for her father for 20 years, so I asked her to give me a little time to talk to him first. I called him and asked him if he knew this young woman’s mother and he said yes; then I asked him if they had gone out, and he said yes; then I asked him to sit down. And I told him.
“My brother is now married (not to his daughter’s mother), a father and a grandfather. His daughter is a welcome addition to the family, and he seems delighted. We’re all happy to have another family member. I know these things don’t always end up happily, but I believe everyone deserves to know where they came from.”
Dear Lisi: My daughter is getting married this summer. It’s a small venue with limited space. She has opted for a “no kids” event, even though traditionally my husband’s side of the family (they are European) always invites children. My sister-in-law has already stated that if her kids aren’t invited then she’s not coming, either. My husband (father of the bride) said if his sister isn’t coming then neither is he. What is your opinion?
My daughter and her fiancé are in their 30’s and already live together.
Mom in the middle
The problem here is in the definition of the word “kids” as used by your daughter and her fiancé, and their reasoning. Without making too many assumptions, and going on the very little information given, if your daughter is in her 30s, how young are your nieces and nephews?
Meaning, if your sister-in-law’s “kids” are in their 20s, then they really shouldn’t be considered kids. That is, if the reasoning behind not inviting kids is due to their level of importance to the couple getting married.
I understand not inviting children under 10, or even under 13, or even under the age of legal drinking, if that’s where you want to draw the line. But family importance isn’t based on age. It’s based on feelings and closeness.
I also understand the numbers game when it comes to small-venue events. So, here’s how you can help resolve this situation: Sit down with the bridal couple and look closely at their guest list with them. Now look at the cousins in question. How many are there? Is it a reasonable request on your aunt’s part? Can your daughter fathom getting married without her father present as a result of their initial choice to leave these cousins out?
I know what I would do.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman with the gorgeous boyfriend (June 14):
Reader — “The most important point here is how he relates to her. Does he check out the other women? If no, then throw those daggers back at them, by means of the biggest knowing smile. Basically, an ‘I got him’ (figuratively tongue out) smile.
“Real beauty is on the inside. I suspect this guy has discovered this secret.
“And as a man, I can definitely attest to your intimacy suggestion.”
FEEDBACK Regarding messy molly (June 14):
Reader — “I don’t have such a situation, but I know someone who picked up everything she found out of place and put it in a box/storage container. When the daughter looked for her items, ‘Mom’ said she gave them to Goodwill/Salvation Army since they were in her way. She, of course, didn’t, but the daughter learned quickly to pick up after herself.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
