Dear Readers – Right before the holidays, I received two questions which were very similar in nature, but with two different outcomes. Their reasons for requesting advice were different, but the lessons are good for everyone:
Reader #1 - Over the course of this past year, I befriended someone over Instagram. The algorithm kept suggesting us to each other, obviously without the other one knowing, since we both follow many of the same people and trends. We have similar tastes in fashion, music, entertainment and celebrity gossip and travel.
After several months, we separately opted to follow each other. It became uncanny how many things she viewed, I had already, and vice versa. We started messaging each other, which morphed into long texts, until we finally decided to meet for coffee, having realized we live only 30 minutes apart.
That meeting turned into a fun friendship of shopping sprees, outings to get our hair done, and we even went on vacation together. Fast forward, and we are starting off this new year as very close friends.
The problem is my other friends and my girlfriend. They haven’t been supportive of this friendship. They don’t want to meet my new friend or include her in our group get-togethers. They want nothing to do with her.
How do I deal with this?
Insta-friend
Reader #2 – Several months ago, an Instagram account kept popping up on my feed. I guess the algorithm behind what you see noticed that we were following similar content. I started to follow her and comment on her posts. She followed me back, but only commented back to me on her posts, never commenting on my posts.
After about three months of following each other, commenting, and a few private messages, I found out that I was headed to her city for work. I private messaged her, telling her my plan, my purpose for coming, and asking her for any recommendations for my one free afternoon and dinner. She replied with some intel, but not much as she herself was new to the area.
Since she mentioned she hadn’t met many people yet, I invited her to join me and a few workmates who are more friends than coworkers. I promised we wouldn’t discuss our work and would love to spend time with her. I told her a little bit about the others so she would be informed.
I thought she would definitely join us at least for a drink. I was shocked when that was the last I heard from her. She has ghosted me ever since, not replying to any reach outs on my part.
Was it really so terrible to try to create an actual IRL friendship?
Insta-dumped
The answer to both queries is the same, just flipped. Many people hide behind their screens and keyboards. That’s the reality of the online world. Depending on your age, which affects how old you were when social media became a thing, real-life friendships hold different weight. I’m guessing that the first two women are in their 40s or50s; and the second ones are closer to 30s, maybe late 20s.
I love the friendship the first two women have created. It’s fresh and fun. Why don’t the letter-writer’s friends and partner want to include the new woman? Jealousy, insecurity, closed-mindedness all come to mind. My advice? Just enjoy your new friendship. You can keep inviting your friends to join you; I imagine one will accept soon and that will get the others on board.
Conversely, sadly, the second woman doesn’t stand a chance. The algorithm may have found similarities, but the other woman wasn’t up for it. Move on. Don’t lose sleep over it. You reached out with kindness; she wasn’t interested. Her loss.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman dating a smoker (Nov. 15):
Reader – “She needs to take a serious look at herself. She says, ‘I also can’t invite him to my house as my daughter suffers from extreme asthma, and his smell would throw her into a coughing fit.’ But does she not realize that she is already exposing her daughter through second-hand smoke? She needs to remove her clothing, throw them in the laundry and take a shower the minute she gets home.
“My father smoked. It took his life early. I developed major aversion to second-hand smoke.
“Is she prepared to be this man’s caregiver? People don’t realize that not only do lung and heart issues develop from smoking, but also circulation issues. My father was about to have a leg amputated, but his heart gave out first.
“She needs to stop seeing him NOW.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
