Dear Lisi: My wife is a functioning alcoholic but won’t admit it. According to my research, an alcoholic is defined as someone who “can’t stop drinking, even when drinking affects their health, puts their safety at risk and damages their personal relationships.” This includes someone who drinks alcohol beyond their ability to control it, is habitually intoxicated, daily drinking, and drinking larger quantities of alcohol than most.
Especially now, during the summer, by early afternoon she’s calling for everyone to enjoy a fun, summery beverage, say a gin and tonic, or a cooler. Those last all afternoon, by the pool or at the lake, depending on where we are. Those turn into sundowners (could be more of the same or something different), which morphs into pre-dinner cocktails, wine with dinner, and the night progresses thus.
My wife is beautiful, fun, sexy and a fabulous host. She loves to have guests at the pool or the country house. She’s very social and friendly. But I’m worried about her. If I ever broach the topic, she brushes me off as being a party pooper.
Am I overreacting?
Alcoholic Spouse
From your description, you are not overreacting at all. Your wife sounds like “Fun Bobby” from the TV show “Friends” — that is, the life of the party, especially when alcohol is involved.
Alcoholism is a disease, and not one that I am an expert on. I strongly suggest you find an Al-Anon support group in your area and seek out the advice of those who know how to help someone in your position. Also, for your own mental health, lean on friends and family who are aware of the situation.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend started a new routine this summer, which he affectionately calls “wake and bake.” He rolls out of bed, brushes his teeth, makes a cup of coffee and smokes a joint on the balcony. He says it’s the perfect way to start his day.
He has an easy job this summer that doesn’t usually begin until 10 a.m. at the earliest. He often walks, rides his bike or gets a lift. He doesn’t operate any heavy machinery and he’s not responsible for anyone’s health and safety. So I can see why being stoned isn’t a hindrance to him.
But by the time we meet back at the end of the day, he’s dull, tired and grumpy, and just wants to sit in front of the TV and veg out.
This isn’t fun for me!
Baked boyfriend
Ask your boyfriend to take a break from his wake and bake. Show him how it’s affecting your relationship. Tell him what you told me. And remind him that as soon as summer is over, he’s going to have to change his ways anyway. Help him wean off it. Hopefully, he’s not addicted.
FEEDBACK Regarding the pooped puppy parents (July 16):
Reader 1 — “One daughter was asked to be on a gymnastics team practising four nights a week and several hours on the weekend. The other daughter was asked to teach skating two afternoons/evenings a week and on the weekend. Both girls were obviously already heavily involved in these sports. You don’t, after all, get asked to join a gymnastics group practising 12 hours a week unless you’ve already distinguished yourself in the sport (and it’s not likely it’s a school team since they don’t usually practise on weekends). Nor do you get to teach skating without qualifications gained over years of instruction.
“They had already committed to caring for a puppy when they were asked — or maybe did the asking! — to take on these additional activities. Either they fulfil the commitment, which is not that heavy considering there are three of them and the parents are bearing the brunt of the weekday burden, or the puppy goes.”
Reader 2 — “While scheduling walks is a good idea, you didn’t address the full needs of this puppy. This pup will need training and socializing. Who’s going to take him to puppy training classes? How will the training be communicated to everyone in the family? How will consistency be followed so every member of the family uses the same commands and actions learned in training?
“How about socializing with other dogs? Will there be discussion about that? And then there is training manners with people. I get that this is a busy family with lots of activities, but other than the need for a walk, the puppy’s other needs were not addressed. Taking on a puppy is a huge time and financial commitment. Walking is great, but it is all the other things that are equally if not more important for a puppy to have a happy, healthy and secure life.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
