I have a good friend who was cheating on his wife. I told him he was an idiot. They had a good life other than his mother, who was ill and needed lots of care. His wife took on his portion of the role among his siblings, for which everyone was grateful.
I didn’t know about the cheating at first, but then he let it slip, kind of bragging. I was shocked and told him what I thought.
A month later I overheard him telling another friend. This time I told him in no uncertain terms that what he was doing was wrong. I didn’t see him for a few months, even though he’s part of my friend group. I think he was avoiding me. After six months of his continuous cheating, I told him that if he didn’t tell his wife, I would.
I gave him two weeks. He didn’t do it. My wife agreed, and I stopped by her house and told her. She cried but admitted she had known in her gut that something was up. I told her that my wife and I would support her any way we could, and if forced to choose sides, we chose hers.
She has kicked him out; his girl-on-the-side dumped him; his mother passed away; and his whole family is Team Ex-wife. He rarely joins in our group activities; I believe he’s ashamed. But what I find upsetting is that even though we include her in everything, she also doesn’t join, never reciprocates, and basically hasn’t spoken to any of us — including my wife — since this all happened.
Why?
Internal explosion
Your moral compass was on-point. You couldn’t look your own wife in the eye knowing your friend was cheating on his partner, a friend of your wife’s. You gave him the chance to come clean. Your wife agreed her friend needed to know.
But by ripping off her blindfold (which she admits was see-through), she was forced to face her issues. I have no doubt she is grateful for your concern, your honesty and your continued support. But it’s hard for her, knowing you’ve seen her at her most vulnerable.
In other words, she is probably embarrassed and ashamed. Hopefully, she’ll be able to regain her friendship with your wife. I doubt she’ll ever want to hang with the “gang” again.
Our son, 32, is marrying shortly. While his fiancée was lovely as his girlfriend, once engaged, she became a different person.
Suffice to say, the bridal consultant quit. The bride has been rude to us by text and even hung up on us. Her mother once said: “I don’t want to say anything I’m going to regret, so I’m not going to say anything at all.” We are a family who openly communicates if there’s a challenge; clearly, they do not.
Truthfully, it’s after the wedding that concerns us the most. We’ve even been instructed that all communication must henceforth come through our son. She doesn’t want any suggestions or opinions, ever. This rule applies to the wedding, life, jobs, etc.
We’ve always told them we love them and want what’s best for them. We have never insisted they take our advice. Suggestions and opinions are offered; what they do with them is their sole decision. For example, we found some information for them when they were looking for a rental home, as in, a possible location — it started World War 27.
Premarital counselling was a bust, she quit. Our son is pursuing counselling on his own.
Unfortunate In-laws
What a tragic story. Have you given your son the opportunity to back away, without any judgment? I’m sure he feels a commitment, and obviously love, but people change as do feelings. He may have asked his girlfriend to marry him, but now not want to marry the woman she has become. Better to lose the venue deposit than undergo a costly divorce.
At the very least, the wedding should be postponed until your son has undergone the counselling he requires and is certain this woman is still the one for him.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email to [email protected] or [email protected].
