Dear Lisi: I know you write ahead so this question will be after the fact, but I’m still looking for your advice. We always spend Thanksgiving weekend with my boyfriend’s best friend and his wife; her sister; and up to six others who seem to change every year. I get along great with the bestie and his wife, but not her sister.
To put it mildly, she has a drinking problem. As early as she thinks is reasonable, she starts drinking. Depending on the weather and our activities, it could be a cooler of sorts, a glass of wine, or sometimes a bloody Mary. She’ll have one or two of those and then move on to cocktail hour. She follows that with wine during the meal and continues until she passes out.
She’s happy and fun but has a loose tongue, and gets sloppy. This behaviour will happen on at least two of the three days. I find it ugly and unpleasant to be around. My boyfriend doesn’t disagree but refuses to talk about it with his best friend. And there’s no way I’m going to bring it up in conversation.
What do we do?
Turkey Day festivities
This is not an uncommon story, unfortunately. Your friend’s sister clearly has an alcohol problem. I don’t think it’s surprising that you’re uncomfortable hanging out with her.
I actually think that you and your husband have nothing to lose by being honest with his friend. But I’m a person who doesn’t back down from confrontation, and not everyone is like that. I would take the couple out for dinner, to thank them for their generosity, and laugh about the fun you all had together. And then I would ask how the wife’s sister is doing. If she feigns ignorance, as in, “what are you talking about?” you can then open up the floor and call out the elephant in the room. You have the strength to say something like, “Well, it’s clear she has an alcohol problem.”
From there, the conversation will depend on how the wife reacts. She may be grateful for your honesty and feel relief to have someone to talk with about it. She may even be apologetic. Or she may get angry and defensive.
Be clear that the issue here is about her sister’s health and welfare, and nothing more. This isn’t about your friendship, if anything, it shows them how much you care about them as friends that you’re concerned for her sibling. Her sister needs help, full-stop.
But know this – you may have just got yourselves crossed off next year’s guest list. That’s maybe not a bad thing.
Dear Lisi: I’m an artist living in Northern California with my parents and my younger sibling. My mom has Multiple Sclerosis, so I’m pretty much the one who does all the grocery shopping, cooking and cleaning in the house. Plus, I drive my little sister all over the place as she doesn’t yet have her license.
My dad works the night shift at the hospital so he can be around during the day to help my mom when I go to work. None of us are clued-in to what’s going on outside of our little bubble.
Today (received on Oct. 12), a friend of mine in Montreal called me out for posting something frivolous on my Instagram Story. I had no idea what’s been going on and now I feel like a complete fool.
Ignorant in the hills
Lucky you for having avoided seeing and hearing about the atrocities that happened the weekend prior to your writing. But now you need to educate yourself. The world needs to know when something of magnitude happens. Turn on your notifications.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grandparents wishing for an early Christmas with their grandchildren (Sept. 27):
Reader — “Why don’t the families start a new celebration, call it ‘Early Christmas’ or something similar? It doesn’t have to include Santa at all. A celebration each year to enjoy family, gifts, a wonderful meal together and a send-off for grandma and grandpa. I doubt the youngest kids will become overly confused by the two celebrations, and as they get older, they will certainly come to understand the reasoning behind it, and I can guarantee (as a grandmother of five) they will love having ‘two Christmases’!”
Lisi – Close friends of mine are a blended family. In order for their children to be able to celebrate Christmas with both parents, they generously gave Christmas Day to their exes, and declared the 27th as their family’s Christmas.
It’s not about the actual calendar day; the spirit of Christmas is about togetherness.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
