Dear Lisi: My twin sister and I are at a crossroads. We have always been super close, but since we graduated high school, things have just been different. We knew we’d be going to two different universities, as we had/have different goals and career paths. But I don’t think we realized how the distance would affect us.
We’re not in the same state, not even on the same time zone (though we’re only an hour difference), and on completely different schedules. We don’t start classes at the same time, miss each other whenever we call, and are both busy with friends, courses and assignments.
When we do talk, it’s becoming more and more strained. I’ve tried to talk to my mom about it, but she takes my sister’s “side” in defence. I have no idea if my sister is talking to my mom — I doubt it — but then I wonder if my mom is taking my side in my defence.
Then my mom told me that my sister has started dating a junior. I’m happy for her but devastated that she hasn’t told me. Why not? I just don’t know how we’re ever going to get back to where we once were, where we’ve always been.
Sad Sissy
Your first year of university is a massive change for everyone. Your mom is two kids down all at once. You didn’t mention if you have other siblings, so she could suddenly be an empty-nester and be having trouble with that.
Your sister is having her own experience, and you are having yours. They won’t be the same experiences, but they don’t have to be at odds. Text or Snap your sister — whichever one you know she’ll respond to quicker — and suggest a few different times to schedule a chat. Be as flexible as possible. Be positive and upbeat in your communication.
And when you do finally speak, start off by saying how much you love and miss her. Maybe she thinks you don’t; or maybe she misses you so much that she’s trying not to think about it and not speaking to you has been easier. You won’t know her “story” until you two actually sit down and talk.
Dear Lisi: My son, in junior kindergarten, age four, gets a stomach ache every afternoon after lunch and playtime. He cries, tries to go to the bathroom, but inevitably the teachers are forced to call me, and I come to get him. He’s always so sad when I pick him up and my heart breaks.
We go home, lie on his bed, drink some water and he falls asleep. When he wakes, after an hour or so, he goes to the bathroom and feels totally normal. But by then, it’s too late to go back to school.
At first, I thought he was homesick and mommy-sick, but there have been days I couldn’t get him, and a grandparent — once even a close friend — had to fill in for me. With the same routine, he was fine. I asked his doctor about it, but she didn’t seem bothered.
What are your thoughts?
Mommy-aches
I’m not a pediatrician or a child psychologist, but it sounds to me like your son isn’t quite ready — physically or emotionally — for the full day that JK entails. I know many kids who only ever did half-days back when that was an option.
If the teachers are aware, and you’ve had him medically checked out, do what suits your family best.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman in the long-distance relationship (Nov. 10):
Reader – “She couldn’t stay at his house because his mother is so argumentative? I bet the real reason she can’t stay with him is he has a wife! The letter showed all the hallmarks of a cheater situation. I bet she is his side chick.”
FEEDBACK Regarding the wife of the binge-eating husband (Nov. 8):
Reader – “That husband of the Hangry Mom sounds like my husband. Overeating at night was a way to make himself feel better. It wasn’t until later that we recognized he was suffering from very bad sleep apnea. It became a vicious cycle that led to obesity, diabetes and the heart problems that eventually killed him.
“Hangry Mom needs to get her husband to a doctor immediately and have a full medical checkup. Sleep apnea causes way more medical problems than most people know.”
Lisi — I’m sorry about your husband. Thank you for sharing. It’s hard to know all the medical, psychological, chemical and emotional reasons behind peoples’ behaviour. Having suggestions can lead to quicker diagnoses, or at least, rule options out.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
