Our vet says Ollie is too fat. This has resulted in a strict health regime, which, in turn, has caused our pug dog to become slightly deranged.
The veterinarian's scale indicated Ollie was 27 pounds. Pugs are supposed to weigh between 13 and 20. So we put him on a diet and started exercising him more.
After three months, we returned to the vet. Guess what? He weighed in at 26 pounds. He'd lost just one pound. So the diet/fitness plan continues.
It's not easy. Pugs love two things: eating and sleeping (well, that and following you from room to room). But mostly, they love food - and they spend all their waking hours figuring out how to get some.
Ollie the Pug's health regime has made him even more hungry than usual. That's why he's acting bonkers. Here are a few examples of aberrant behaviour.
Faux-cheese slices - I enjoy eating cheese sandwiches. Not a proper cheese sandwich, with real cheddar, lettuce, tomatoes and so forth. I prefer ones made with a slice of processed cheese. The kind of cheese often labelled as "cheese food," because it's laced with mysterious chemicals expanding shelf life from days to decades.
The problem is, Ollie has figured out that the sound of unwrapping a cheese slice means food is in the offing. The high-register noise of crinkling plastic is, to him, a siren song. Each time he hears it, he comes scampering over with Olympian zeal.
This has reduced me to sneaking into the bathroom to unwrap my cheese slices. To me, such a covert practice seems unhealthy and unmanly. Fake cheese loses its allure when a toilet is in plain sight. Rather than being master of my domain, I feel like some creepy cheese-eating hoarder.
Disturbing bone incident - Last week, my wife took Ollie for a walk. He discovered a steak bone on the street, no doubt dropped by some pickup-driving yokel.
In the days of yore, one could order Ollie to drop a bone. And he would. But now, because Ollie is in a state of diet-induced delirium, he would not release it. Particles of putrefying cow flesh still adhered to the bone. He knew he was onto a good thing.
My wife offered Ollie a bit of kibble, hoping to trick him. Nothing doing. He scampered off with his nasty bone, doing that capering dance dogs do when they're up to something truly evil.
He nipped into our house with his prize. My wife found a morsel of chicken and offered it to him. Ollie stared at the chicken, no doubt feeling like a man offered the choice between a date with a supermodel or unlimited use of a Lamborghini Aventador. Finally, he dropped the bone to devour the chicken, allowing my wife to seize the offending item and fling it into the trash can.
Ollie the Pug then ran around the kitchen in puzzled circles, wondering where his new best friend had gotten to.
Kamikaze hedge invasion - Once again, my wife was walking the dog. Then, with no warning, Ollie zoomed into - and right through - a thick hedge.
Lacking the ability to pierce hedges, my wife released the leash, planning to walk around to retrieve him. By the time she got there, she got caught sight of his curly tail disappearing into someone's house.
A surprised couple emerged with Ollie. They said they'd been making their lunch. Apparently, our dog had caught a whiff and made a dash for it. My wife apologized for Ollie's social inappropriateness and led him away. Our dog was dragged off with his head swiveled backwards in Linda Blairesque fashion.
Yesterday, Ollie tried to eat a blackberry right off the vine. He's got two more months of dieting before the next weigh-in. Let's hope he fares better than diet-challenged Big Mama in Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. Because this fat little pooch is driving us all nuts.
