Last time, a parent asked for help dealing with squabbles between her preschooler and toddler.
"Our 14-month-old and three-year-old are getting into more conflicts," she wrote. "Mostly it happens when the one is playing with a toy by herself and the other one wants to play with it too. Much pulling, pushing and screaming usually results. I suggest strategies to my older daughter, such as offering a different toy to the younger one as a distraction, or part of the toy (eg. sharing some blocks), or playing where the younger one can't go (such as at the kitchen table or in her room). Sometimes this works, but not always."
"Reasoning with the younger one obviously doesn't work at this age. Now that she's mobile, she likes to get her hands on everything. She's very vocal about her displeasure when she has a toy snatched away, and is learning to copy her sister's screaming and pushing. I feel like I am having to rescue the younger one and always scold the older.
"But really, I would like to encourage them to get along and not have to play 'police' all the time. How can I reduce the conflicts without having to have completely separate play spaces?
Here's what our parent educators had to say:
Young children have difficulty expressing their feelings, sharing and negotiating. For now, the youngest has no boundaries and is into everything. Your three-year-old can't understand her sibling's limitations.
You will be policing for some time yet, but that doesn't mean taking sides, getting angry or lecturing. You do not want to set up a dynamic that makes your oldest the villain and your youngest the victim.
Your three-year-old needs lots of understanding and acceptance of negative feelings that arise.
You can accept that she is frustrated and reflect her feelings without judgment. When setting limits with behaviour, be very specific: "It isn't OK to push."
Make observations of exactly what you see without labeling her. Avoid saying things like, "You are being naughty, mean-." That chips away at a child's self-esteem.
Believe it or not, empathy and setting limits go hand in hand. "It's not OK to hit, but I can see that you are mad." Even if a child has a good feeling vocabulary, they need help in recognizing those feelings when they surface. Eventually, they can use their words, but not without this training.
As they mature, you can invite them to solve problems. "We have one toy and two kids who want to play with it. What can we do?"
Give them as much ownership as possible of the issues that come up. This teaches them negotiation skills. As they continue to mature, your goal is to separate yourself from the sibling rivalry as much as possible. Otherwise, it can become a powerful source for negative attention and your role will be stuck at policing.
Taking sides and asking questions that invite blame will make the dynamic much worse. Triangulating exists in all kinds of relationships, from children to partners to work relationships. It happens when one person has an issue with another and a third person steps in and takes sides or takes over.
I call this a toxic triangle, because it doesn't empower the two people with the problem to deal directly with each other and one person is usually left feeling unfairly judged. Because triangles are typical, they will happen and you need to learn to manage them.
What to do:
- When children are young, they need effective supervision and guidance.
- If you jump in to help them, do so without excitement and lectures.
taking sides. ? Avoid
- Focus on the problem not the person.
- Reflect each child's feelings using body language and empathy.
- Articulate the problem and help with a strategy.
- Have a cool-down period without making it a punishment.
- Don't ask questions that invite tattling.
- Don't go running into every squabble.
- Spend quality time with each child to remind them that they are special to you.
My book recommendation is Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.
Allison Rees Parent Educator
You have great instincts about helping your children play well with each other. As parents, we have to remember that toddlers do not develop good communication skills until later.
Your 14-month-old is excited about the world around her and wants to take part in everything she sees. Your three-year-old is beginning to understand about sharing but is likely not a fan.
Every day, toddlers encounters a multitude of frustrations and likely hear the word "no" many times. Reasoning with your threeyear-old is challenging, as she may not be able to access empathy and could have trouble sharing and playing with her sister.
The younger daughter will not be able to understand why she can't have everything she sees. You are doing a great job in helping to distract the younger sibling and explaining to your older daughter that she must try to get along.
Here are a few suggestions that might help:
- When shouting and pushing erupts, calmly intervene and explain that we do not shout and it is time for everyone to take a break.
Tears will likely follow. Hold the girls closely and tell them you know it is hard but you will get through it together. When frustration turns to tears, learning starts to take place. It's the sadness at not getting their way that will allow them to adapt to the situation and do something else. Then choose an activity that everyone can enjoy together or separately, as needed.
- Be careful not to raise your voice, as this will escalate the situation.
- Your three-year-old is old enough for you to enlist her help with her baby sister. Let her know that her sister loves her very much, which is why she wants to play with her and use her toys. Older sister's job is to look out for little sister. Giving her this responsibility may allow her to show more patience.
- Try not to be tempted to just let the children work it out. Intervening and stopping the fighting, calmly, will teach them that screaming will not get them what they want. When a child screams to get something, it's our cue to be sure it does not work for the child, as that will quickly become the most expedient way for them to get their way.
- When frustration arises, show your children positive ways to take care of themselves. Maybe it's jumping up and down, hitting sofa cushions or just taking some time to look at a book.
- Above all, be consistent. Children will respond best when they know that mum and dad are in charge and what they say goes.
- Unfortunately, closely supervising play at this stage of life is essential. Luckily, as they mature and you have set the stage for the two of them to get along, the aggression will dissipate. (Well, at least until they are teenagers and it all starts again!)
Jean Bigelow Parent Educator
Next question:
Our seven-year-old loves to show us his "moves."
Whether they are gymnastics, dance or karate, he has a natural ability and showmanship. We think he could do well in lessons, but he refuses on the basis that he is already a "master of all the moves."
Should we let this ride or steer him into programs in the hopes that he will broaden his horizons and potential? Part of the issue is that he feels he needs to control the risks he takes at every level.
Do you have any advice for this parent? Are you struggling with a parenting dilemma? Send input to [email protected]. Please put "the parent rap" in the subject line. Questions about kids from infants to teens welcome.
