He seemed more anxious to leave than he was sad to go. When did that happen? Emotions washed over me 鈥� fear, anxiety, pride, love. Thoughts clouded my mind. He鈥檚 too young! What if he gets sick? He鈥檒l do so well! I鈥檒l miss him so much!
I should have known it was coming. I鈥檝e been through this before. Off to camp for the summer, like going home for them, they leave and don鈥檛 look back. Teenagers grow up and become far too independent for this mother after a summer away working at camp 鈥� isn鈥檛 this what it鈥檚 all about? I hate it. I love it.
I remember when it happened. I was 17 and I asked my mother if I could go to a friend鈥檚 party. She said, 鈥淲ell, that鈥檚 up to you. You鈥檙e 17 now. Just let me know where you are and what time you鈥檒l be home.鈥� I remember thinking, 鈥淲as she up to something?鈥� But now, I know what she was doing. She was letting go. Like me, she was experienced 鈥� I was her youngest and she had been through it before. I think now of my oldest brother going off to join the military at 17 and she had to sign for him because it was just before his 18th birthday. Now that would be hard. (And if my two youngest boys are reading this, don鈥檛 even think about it!)
What am I afraid of? I鈥檓 afraid they鈥檒l be like their dad or me. I鈥檓 afraid their experiments with freedom will go badly wrong. I want to make sure they don鈥檛 make the same mistakes I did. I don鈥檛 want their life ruined by that one bad choice or a terrible tragedy. Basically, I want control. I want to be the author of my children鈥檚 destiny - not them. I don鈥檛 trust them not to screw up. But dig a little deeper here and the truth is, I don鈥檛 trust God. My need to control demonstrates my lack of faith in God to watch over them and to guide them through life.
The truth is that all those mistakes I made growing into an adult have shaped who I am today. In my younger years I was ashamed, and thought people would judge me if they only knew. I now realize it was my journey, it shaped me and God has redeemed every single bad choice I have made and am still making. My children have a journey to make, and what they do on that journey is not about me, not about whether or not I am a good parent; it鈥檚 about them and their journey to adulthood. It鈥檚 about them becoming the person that God wants them to be. It鈥檚 about how God will take every single one of their bad choices and use it to shape them, refine them and grow them.
I haven鈥檛 heard much from my son since he went off to the Leaders in Training program at the camp. He鈥檚 been gone a week now and I text him every once in a while just to say 鈥淚 love you鈥� and 鈥淚 miss you.鈥澛� Not sure if it was with a cheeky grin, but his text back the other day said so much. 鈥淟ove you mommy.鈥� He never calls me that! So I know, let go a little more and wait a while before I bug him again.
鈥淧oint your kids in the right direction鈥�when they鈥檙e old they won鈥檛 be lost.鈥� Proverbs 22:6, (The Message)
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Major Kathy Chiu颈蝉听a writer. preacher. Salvation Army Officer. Passionate about God's Word, family...and of course knitting. Currently the Executive Director at The Salvation Army Victoria Addictions & Rehabilitation Centre. Regularly blogging over at聽听.
You can read more articles from our interfaith blog, Spiritually Speaking聽
