Thanks to a Newport, Tenn., magistrate, little Martin McCullough has a much more dignified and livable name. The magistrate, Lu Ann Ballew, recently ordered the seven-month-old baby鈥檚 name changed from Messiah to Martin.
The baby鈥檚 parents had gone to court because they couldn鈥檛 agree on a surname for the boy, but Ballew ruled on his first name as well. Her reason? 鈥淭he word messiah is a title, and it鈥檚 a title that has been earned by only one person, and that person is Jesus Christ.鈥�
Ballew did the right thing. Not because of Jesus, who is not, after all, the messiah to anyone who is not a Christian. Rather, because Ballew has done this baby the huge favour of saving him from going through life with a weird name. As someone who is not the least bit fond of her own name, I can say that being saddled with weird is a most unpleasant and annoying way to go through life.
Oh, the beauty of having an ordinary name that nobody mispronounces, misspells, mangles or mocks. I wonder what that feels like. I have been wondering ever since the year in school that a teacher insisted on reading my name off the class list as 鈥淲yoming.鈥�
I don鈥檛 understand why any parents, mine included, would put their children through the hell of having an odd name, but every year, thousands of babies are condemned to just such a hell. And to qualify as weird, a name doesn鈥檛 have to be necessarily unpronounceable or otherwise difficult; it need only be something that鈥檚 not generally thought of as a name.
The Associated Press reports that Messiah, Major and King are increasing in popularity in the U.S. It鈥檚 OK to give your dog a human name. It is not OK to give your baby a dog鈥檚 name.
Among the names conferred on Canadian babies in 2011 were Tuba, Stiff, Prince, Princess and Lady. Others that year were named Sovereign, Princelife, Knightly, Queen, Lord and Reign. Then there were Marvelous (a boy), Praise, Caliber, Arrow, Lovely, Moo, Feather, Pistol, Doc, Essay, Tuff, Dreamz, Symphonie, Chorus, Divinity, Eternity and Story.
Some of these names would look good on racehorses 鈥� but babies?
C鈥檓on, parents, how could you do this to your children? Or, as one irate soul posted on the website stupidkidnames.com: 鈥淲hat the hell happened to classic names like Tim, Jim, Bill, Jack, Sean, Matt, Mike?鈥� What indeed? We baby boomers grew up among classrooms filled with kids named Debbie, Susan, Tommy, Bobby and the like.
The website bills itself as the place to visit when someone you know 鈥渉as burst through your door swaddling a newborn named Paden, Breckstin, Trinja, Jaggart, Trixton, Aliz茅, Cearra, Kaydinn or Dontraveontrelle.鈥�
The site鈥檚 not just for third parties, however: 鈥淲e do recognize, though, that plenty of children will probably be Googling their own stupid names and find this site. For those of you who fit that description, we鈥檙e really sorry your parents were such narcissistic jackasses that they named you something outlandish 鈥� just so their friends would think they were clever.鈥�
Other weird names catalogued on the site include Afternoon, Apocalypse, Spatula, Bonanza, sa国际传媒icut, Monoxide, RebelJane and Sundae. RebelJane? Sounds like a car owned by the Dukes of Hazzard.
The case of actress Barbara Hershey provides a sobering lesson on baby names.
In the true spirit of the 1960s, Hershey named her son Free Seagull. When he was 15, he changed it legally to Tom.
Shakespeare asked: What鈥檚 in a name? Trust me, a whole lot of misery if it鈥檚 a weird one. Little Messiah will be much better off as Martin.
