As a child, once you were old enough to state what caused you to be late for dinner, you knew the reason why. So, instead of making up a story to avoid an argument with a parent or other family member, the best thing you could have done was to speak your truth.
This is a very important lesson for children to learn in order to develop self-confidence.
The English poet and novelist Philip Larkin, wrote to set all children straight on the facts he supported as a darkly humorous observer of human foibles:
His message, called This Be the Verse, begins: “They f— you up, your mum and dad. / They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the faults they had. / And add some extra, just for you.”
But Larkin wasn’t the first to connect the child to the parent. The ancient Greek philosopher Aristotle is credited with saying, “Give me a child until he is seven, and I will show you the man.” (This quote is also attributed to the founder of the Jesuit order.)
Thus, while many children accept blame and shame, Aristotle strongly believed in the power of education and environment to shape character and reason.
However, the facts he espoused aren’t set in stone.
It’s my experience, both as a parent and a writer on relationship matters within families, that except for youngsters with known mental health issues, which can sometimes be helped by trained professionals, children can prosper in many circumstances, so long as their parents don’t “fill you with their own faults,” as the poet Larkin said.
Larkin’s further warnings: “Man hands on misery to man. / It deepens like a coastal shelf. / Get out as early as you can, / And don’t have any kids yourself.”
But I say otherwise.
What a sad world we’d have if all our children had to be strictly tutored and raised mostly by men who are wise about religion and philosophy — that is, intellectuals — but not also raised by loving mothers, encouraging fathers and a background of supportive family members.
For me, and I hope for many of you, too, this initially slow-budding spring is a joyful time. Youngsters are frequently being wheeled outside in their strollers, while toddlers are play-listening to their plastic “phones.”
And in the well-planned parks where there are swings, sandboxes and structures to climb, the kids’ moms and dads are kept busy and watchful making sure that their children are OK.
In not long-past times, it may have been considered a well-meant approach to be raising children through strict orders, ruler-smacked open hands, being sent out of the classroom, and other varied punishments.
I still remember the dark, closed-shut coat-closet I was told to stand alone in, when I was age six, after I’d said aloud that my mother hadn’t yet come to take me home.
This was in downtown Toronto, in kindergarten. My mother, learning that not one teacher knew where I was, burst into the cloak room and stormed out holding my hand.
I never forgot the fear of being left alone in that closet.
So, no way, Aristotle, despite your undoubtedly well-meant focus on “the character” of a youngster, would I ever applaud seven years of a child’s growing up without having loving adult parents overseeing their well-being.
Times change, including new methods regarding children’s education, mental health needs, physical well-being, healthy nourishment and recreation periods.
I wish I could say that I did everything “right” as a parent. I didn’t. But I can truly say that I read and learned about newer parenting methods, insightful books on child-raising, and I also attended and led group courses which were helpful and positive.
Like many other parents, I also learned to adapt to periodic challenges from my children seeking parental trust, especially when they reached their teens, started driving and attended parties.
The phrase “It’s not your fault” was made popular by actor Robin Williams in the movie Good Will Hunting, when an insecure young man is told the importance of thinking for oneself and taking responsibility for his own learning, relationships and life.
However, parents aren’t then free from normal responsibilities of care and comfort. These are unusual and fast-changing times, during rising costs, lack of suitable housing, food scarcity, and sometimes, also, irresponsible parenting.
We can all do better, and we must try. Our children need love from their parents, encouragement for their abilities, and all our supportive efforts respecting their future ambitions.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto.
