Dear Ellie: I’m a woman, 35, currently breaking up with my male partner, 36, after five years living together. We’d started our relationship with casual dating and sleepovers, then decided to be together full-time. Initially, it was exciting. We both had secure jobs. Before COVID, we travelled overseas twice. We were grown-ups in a mature relationship.
Then, during the pandemic, we scrambled to find a decent apartment and bought furniture. Our life together felt solid and defined. But my partner became moody. I encouraged him to get fitness equipment for maintaining energy and fighting isolation. But he blamed me for our shared costs of new purchases. I tried to keep our connection positive.
As COVID became less threatening, he’d go out with his guy friends and not tell me his plans until the last minute.
The excitement over our now grown-up life has “fizzled out,” he told me.
I cried privately, because I’d thought that we’d done well, when many couples’ relationships were crumbling from circumstances they couldn’t control.
I now recognize that neither of us could save this union. We were no longer planning or enjoying it together.
Can a couple just “outgrow” their decision to share a life together? Or is it a character flaw in one or both of us?
Poor Relationship Skills
Each person in a relationship arrives there from a different background. Your parents, for example, likely had other ways. They may have struggled through economic hardship and lack of decent opportunities.
You and your partner may have held on to different ambitions than what was happening while living together.
Don’t look for who’s “the bad one.” If you want to explore your own breakup need, a therapist can offer insights to better self-awareness for your future.
FEEDBACK: Regarding the letter writer concerned about a difficult though long-time friendship that has failed (June 30):
Reader — “It’s failing is due to the physical distance between them when they lived in different cities, plus the change in status of one woman’s new motherhood. We all change as we age and also set new priorities: for example, marital and parental status, jobs, moves, personal losses, different interests, etc.
“Some friendships don’t endure those changes. But by all means, try one more time. Then …. let go graciously.”
Ellie — Over the years of writing this column, I’ve read many times of similar disappointments and hurt feelings between friends who were once tight and constant companions.
The reader’s response here is right on.
We all experience new phases of life and friendships that flourish or fade, when we choose a life partner, give birth to a first child, or return from living far away. Yet, people can also catch up, if they wish.
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