Dear Ellie: In my junior and senior high school years, I became friendly with two different guys in my classes. All three of us were getting very decent marks. We studied together in the school library or hung out in the cafeteria to do homework and write essays.
But we never dated each other. That was fine with me until first-year university, when I learned that both guys whom I’d called my “besties,” had each had relationships with girls they’d never mentioned to me.
It was the silence about their dating that left me feeling unimportant … or just “the brainy one,” as one guy described me.
Years forward, I’m happily married. One of those pals from our “trio” is divorced, and the third is separated from his second wife.
When I remember those high school days, I sometimes wonder if those two classmates were just “using me” to do all the homework ahead of teachers’ deadlines, as I was never late.
So, why am I bothered about all this now? Maybe, it’s because I passed a milestone: I turned 50. Or I’m finally recognizing that I was being “used” to help those guys when they never considered me an attractive or fun girlfriend.
Recalling Past Hurts
Milestones can seem significant, especially if seen as growth steps in self-awareness and understanding others. Yes, those two classmates relied on your help getting homework and essays done.
But this is now. Being married in a positive relationship puts you among people satisfied with their personal lives. Trust me, that’s a special category that you want to uphold and enjoy.
If reaching age 50 worries you, look to the benefits so far: You’re clearly intelligent, friendly, helpful to others.
Just don’t let past issues hang around if they no longer apply to your life.
Dear Readers — Given the countless people who experience relationship breakups, today I’m highlighting Emmi Fortin, a “Breakup & Relationship Coach,” using her RED Process™ as a guide through what she describes as intentional Breakup Recovery Periods. ™ Fortin guides clients (as well as herself), through the process of “breaking free from love addiction.”
The following is from her own self-promotion:
She explores “the complexities of passionate yet tumultuous relationships.” And exposes her own experiences on dating apps. She also describes steamy encounters she faced personally. And reveals a solo trip to Spain that played a crucial role in her journey of self-discovery.
Though not everyone seeking love and romance can afford Emmi Fortin’s travels, her personal outreach for love has been described as “transformative.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the married men who pitch in at lunch/dinner get-togethers to pay for the group’s meal, when the friendship groups include widows who are on their own socially (Jan. 13):
“This is not about money because the women who are now living on their own, and all the friends of the long-time couples, are most likely to be financially secure. The guys who come to these get-togethers all most probably miss their male pals, too.
“They are paying for the widows’ lunches as a gesture.
“Also, with seniors’ age groups, it’s still an expectation that the guy pays. I wonder if the resentment of this gesture from the men is coming from the extra attention that the widows are receiving. They now have no man in their life and the small but thoughtful gesture probably means a lot to them.
“Perhaps someone should ask the letter-writer how she would feel if she were the one who lost her husband.”
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the grandmother worried about her grandson (Jan. 19):
“I’m a woman, also struggling in my thirties. I’m on a different, brave path than the accepted, conformist, narrow definition of ‘on track.’ It’s my mission to grow mental health consciousness and encourage healing.
“The grandmother judges her grandson as lazy and irresponsible. Yes, he needs proactive help, not help to conform (i.e. getting a job).
“He’s struggling in a world difficult to navigate. He might feel shaming from family, he might be unwell, unable to take advantage of therapy. He deserves compassion, patience and understanding.”
Ellie — Mental health issues might be stalling this young man. Neither his grandmother nor anyone else can explore what’s best for him, when he’s unable to move forward. Unless he gets mental-health therapy and support. Where there’s a cost involved, any concerned family member who can afford to help should recognize the importance of that support.
Ellie’s tip of the Day
Consider what you can handle emotionally, before trying to ride a roller-coaster toward love.
Send relationship questions to [email protected] or [email protected]. Follow @ellieadvice.
