Dear Lisi: My husband and I have recently moved back to the small town where he grew up. His father was ready to retire but his practice is necessary and lucrative and was always built for his son to take over. My husband needed a break from small town living and moved to the city, where we met, married and have raised our children.
I have had enough of the corporate world and have found something I enjoy in the online space, so the move timing worked out fine for me. And our youngest child has just left for university, so it works out for the kids as well.
My parents live in the city, close to where we lived, have ample space for visitors, and would be thrilled to host the children whenever they want to stay there. Everything is working out so well and we have had a fabulous few months of settling in.
Except for one small problem … My husband has three buddies who he grew up with, two of whom still live here. They are all nice guys, and I am close with their wives. The kids have all grown up together and everyone is excited to be together again. Except me and for only one reason: when these men are together, which is now daily, they act like stupid teenagers. They get obnoxiously drunk, use recreational drugs, make poor choices and have “accidents.”
I made excuses for it when we first arrived (“they’re excited to be together”) and again during the summer (“it’s the summer”), but I’m over it. I want my mature, adult husband and partner back. I don’t want to be married to a teenager.
Misbehaving
You’re a good wife/partner/friend for having made those excuses for your husband. I can see how you would have thought it was OK in the moment for him to have a little fun with his besties. But he needs to now see that the fun must change from teenage boy fun to adult fun. And that should be fine at his (and his friends’) age.
I know plenty of people who like to have excessive fun — for ONE night! And then they wake up to their adult reality. Your husband needs to wake up to his reality. I would start with a date night, something fun, romantic, quiet and vice-free. Show him what an adult date night feels like.
And now that it’s September, sit down with him and a calendar and discuss how this season is going to pan out, as it’s your first fall in the country. Will the kids be home for their reading week? Thanksgiving? Will you be staying out there or heading into the city? What is his new work schedule? What is yours?
Moving and becoming empty nesters at the same time may be pushing him into some sort of mid-life crisis which he’s tempering by partying with his pals. But it’s time to move forward and get back to adulting.
Dear Lisi: My boyfriend is depressed and walks around with a chip on his shoulder and a black cloud around him. Everything sucks, according to him. I love him but I’m young and want to be happy and have fun. Would I be a horrible human if I broke up with him?
Doomed
No, you wouldn’t be a horrible human. But you really should help your boyfriend get the help he needs before you walk away completely. If he’s as depressed as you say, your departure may not even affect him. But he really needs mental health help as soon as possible.
FEEDBACK Regarding the 75-year-old ready to retire (July 31):
Reader – “As a 70-year-old who retired at 67, I am moved to comment on the letter from the 75-year-old letter writer who wants to retire but is getting pushback. She should be able to retire immediately, but she could stay on to train her replacement.
“To expect her to continue to work three more years is not reasonable even if she’s transitioning to part-time. She’ll be retiring at 78!
“She should retire while her health is still good. That can change at any time.
“Her boss will manage just fine. I’m aghast that he expects her to work until she’s 85! Her tenant will also have to adapt to the new situation. The sooner the better.
“Her friends will be jealous when they see her new simple lifestyle.
“Her children are the only ones who seem to have her best interests at heart.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
