It’s a frequent scenario in human relationships: Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often have - or cause - great difficulty getting along.
The background to this common but difficult connection between two women, especially if they’re living in the same household with their different levels of age and experience, can become an emotionally tortured situation.
It can also upset everyone else involved, when and if both women purposefully fail at making a connection or refuse to get along with each other and even rarely try to compromise.
Meanwhile, in-law relationships are more conspicuous today, due to the current high costs of housing, causing some new couples to live with their parents, perhaps even with extended family as well.
However, there are ways to avoid the labels and negative responses of these troubled relationships, which almost commonly blame and dismiss the younger woman as a “toxic” daughter-in-law.
I’m a mother-in-law and refuse to accept this negative view.
A younger, inexperienced daughter-in-law’s behaviour may not always be pleasing, but you can make it your positive effort to help her out.
Reach out sincerely and create new connections … slowly, perhaps, but with gentle and genuine caring and intent.
Recently, a friend who’s the mother of sons, shared with me her difficulty establishing a relationship with her one and only daughter-in-law.
She’ll invite the younger woman to join her for a lunch out, offer to bring her a cake she’s baked, or suggest they go for a walk together. The daughter-in-law always politely declines any of my friend’s invitations.
My friend is looking for reasons and answers as to why she can’t make a connection with her daughter-in-law.
I believe that a different approach is needed, starting with gentle warmth and caring, without being intrusive.
Is the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship doomed to be difficult? If your answer is a resounding “YES!” then you have troubles in your family.
But, despite the cliches about “difficult, detached, or purposefully nasty daughters-in-law,” it’s the mother-in-law who can make meaningful changes as to how this relationship can work. For she is the older, wiser, more mature person in this relationship.
Recently, I visited with my daughter-in-law, who was staying nearby on a week’s vacation with her young son. I met some of her friends, and we all had a few meals and walks together.
It was a genuine pleasure. Since my daughter-in-law lives in another city and we both work, it was the first time we’d been so relaxed together and we clearly felt a new appreciation of each other.
Family relationships can improve, not only for women under stress but for everyone in the family, to enjoy peace and respect in their day-to-day life.
It’s only impossible if you’re one of the two women keeping it that way.
Being older than our daughters-in-law, we should’ve gained some empathy and foresight in recognizing our own in-law mistakes as well as those made from the other side.
My friend expressed to me her regret at not having developed a closer relationship with the younger woman. We agreed, that “it shouldn’t be that hard.”
We only need to remember some of the awkward or painful moments in our own “new wife” marriages and how we were treated, or worse, ignored.
I’m reminded of a friend’s memory of his parents showing no interest in his new wife, because they felt she wasn’t “good enough” for their son, and their attitude of distance and disinterest lasted … but only until their daughter-in-law gave birth to their first grandchild.
And that’s when communication opened.
We mothers-in-law must also remember that our daughters-in-law have their own mothers, and that relationship has a strong bearing on how they interact, accept and care for their relationship with us. They may be extremely close with their own mother and therefore uninterested in forging another strong maternal bond; they may have a terrible or nonexistent relationship with their own mother and are fearful about entering into another similar unhealthy relationship; or they may crave a bond with an older, wiser, caring female.
As well, family backgrounds, customs and traditions also play a role regarding a daughter-in-law’s status, and her relationship with her mother-in-law.
One significant factor remains: The son who has married and brings a new wife into the family MUST step up and help this woman find her place, while also working with his mother to create a smooth, healthy and peaceful environment for everyone in this new and enlarged family unit.
Ellie Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto.
