Dear Ellie: I just heard information I wish I didn’t know. The bad-news bearer was my once-closest friend, all during high-school and university. She was always full of fun and excitement. If something made her laugh or was a challenge she couldn’t resist, she was the first person to skinny-dip in a lake, kiss a guy she didn’t know, go bra-less in a sweater, etc.
But today she went too far. Before I realized it, she was telling me about a full-on “fun affair” she’s been having. I hate having listened to it.
My “friend” is married to my cousin. I introduced them years ago. They now have a son, age 11, and a daughter, age nine. I feel sick about having listened to how her “boyfriend” is younger than her, earns well, and wants her to travel with him when her kids go to camp.
I finally said, “Hey, you’re cheating on members of my family, including the kids!” She laughed it off, saying, it’s “just an adventure.” And she complained about how boring it is to always attend the children’s sports and games, instead of going out at night among adults wanting some laughs and a good time.
Should I tell my cousin what his wife disclosed? Or should I keep silent, since I could end up losing both him and my long-time friend?
Too Much Information
Many relationships are at risk here. Your cousin and other relatives could consider your part in the conversation as approval (which I believe you didn’t intend).
And the children could overhear the gossip that’s bound to circulate and hurt them deeply.
Meanwhile, your friend’s attitude is that she’s playing a game. But where her husband’s concerned, she may even be seeking an end game.
Return the phone call. State simply that you regret hearing about her affair. And that you hope, for the sake of her kids and husband, too, that she’ll seek marital counselling with him, or personal therapy for herself.
Dear Ellie: My son’s partner of four years eats with her head almost touching her food, forearms on the table, scooping food into her mouth. We’ve seen her eat with her mouth on the plate. She also picks up food with her hands that would normally be cut, and eaten with utensils. She also chews loudly, with her mouth open.
I’m aware of cultural habits as I’ve traveled to Asian countries where I have seen similar eating behaviour.
We’ve tried making light of our different cultural eating habits but she seems to have become more determined to emphasize the differences. She sometimes sits with her legs crossed on her chair.
Our family dinners are becoming extremely tense. We can’t eat out in a restaurant anymore. Any solution?
Awkward Meals
Solution #1 - You and your husband can go out to a restaurant to eat dinner whenever and wherever you choose. You do not have to always eat with your son and his partner.
Solution #2 – Acknowledge the message that this woman is silently sending you, by asking her about her own background and culture, and which foods she prefers within the very diverse population where she now lives.
Solution #3 - Accept your son’s partner for who she is and show true interest in learning those hallmarks of her culture that are important to her and which she wishes to maintain. Your son will appreciate this more than always eating together.
Readers’ Commentary Regarding the woman gifted a theatre ticket next to a man she didn’t know (July 7):
Reader #1 - “You used the “stranger danger” phrase in your letter, while it was clear that your colleague knew the man and had intended to see the play with him.
“So, why are you so fearful of this man offering you a glass of wine? I see him as a gentleman. And the opportunity for a new friendship is gone. She definitely needs some professional help.”
Reader #2 – “The woman was correct to trust her instincts. It doesn’t matter that the man was her colleague’s friend. What respectful man shows up to a stranger, then offers alcohol which may or may not be spiked? Society constantly blames young women who end up with spiked drinks and victimized by predatory men.”
Ellie - As I wrote, her fear may have triggered past trauma, for which therapy can be helpful.
Ellie’s tip of the day
When someone’s marital affair could hurt people you know and care about, avoid the gossip entirely.
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