Dear Lisi: My daughter is obsessed with dance. She goes four out of five days a week after school and all-day Saturday. She loves the dance school she’s at even though it’s not in our neighbourhood. She’s been with these girls for almost six years and they’re like sisters.
I love that she’s so focused and committed. The problem is that she’s a terrible dancer. She has no rhythm, grace, co-ordination, or natural talent. It’s painful to watch.
Now that she’s getting older, her lack of talent is even more pronounced. I’m happy for her but it’s eating up all my time and money, and I can’t reconcile in my head that it’s all worth it.
Is it time for her to move on to something else?
Dance dad
The question you have to ask yourself is what is bothering you the most? Do you feel you are wasting your time? Your money? Or are you embarrassed for your daughter?
If it’s the money, which is a legit cost, you need to decide whether the value of your daughter’s happiness is equitable to the financial cost for you. In other words, even if she was a fabulous dancer, were you expecting her to win a monetary prize that would offset the multiple years of paying for classes?
Parents pay for their children to do multiple after school activities. Many are expensive. But it’s the growth of the child, the social interaction, the exercise, the fun that you’re paying for. Very, very few children go on to become professional dancers, gymnasts, hockey players, etc.
Once you’ve reconciled what you’re willing to do (how many more years, how much more money), ask your daughter what she sees for her dance future. Maybe she’s over it but doesn’t want to tell you for fear that you’ve invested so much.
Talk to your daughter.
Dear Lisi: My high school best friend and I have kids the same age. My oldest is the same age as her youngest. When mine was born, I reached out to her for advice on programs, activities, baby gear, etc. In some ways she was very helpful, but in others, we were worlds apart.
She told me about a fabulous baby program and we joined together. We drove there on the first day and spent the whole time together. The second week, I had to drive separately as I was coming from an appointment. When I arrived, she gave me the cold shoulder, and left early. When I called to see if she was OK, she said her baby wasn’t feeling well and she was tired.
The third and fourth week, she was a no show, but oddly, she didn’t mention it when we spoke on the phone. And when I asked where she was, she avoided the question. Now she’s distancing herself from me.
Do you have any advice?
Baby Bumps
There’s really not enough information to know what’s going on with your friend. You said she was your high school bestie, so talk to her. But don’t attack her. You have no idea what the real reason is behind her behaviour.
On the one hand, she might have realized she enjoyed that class better without you there. Maybe she was hoping to branch out and make new friends. Maybe she has other friends there she’d rather be with at that time. Or, she could be having marital issues, or health problems, or problems with her other children. You just don’t know.
Ask her to go for a walk, at nap time, so you can just have time together, not focused on the babies. Ask her questions and let her talk. You’ll figure it out.
My boyfriend’s sister doesn’t speak to me. I have no idea whether she likes me or not because we’ve barely had a full conversation. My boyfriend says she’s painfully shy. But she’s engaged to be married to a nice guy with healthy social skills.
How can I get her to engage with me? And if I can’t, how am I going to have a relationship with her if my boyfriend and I stay together? They’re not super close but see each other often.
Awkward Sibs
The best thing you can do is to not take this personally. It’s not about you. She may have decided she doesn’t like you, but she doesn’t know you. So, I repeat, it’s not about you.
Talk to her when you see her. Ask her questions that require more than a yes or no answer, and focus on her upcoming wedding.
Hopefully, she’ll warm up to you. Or not.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
