Dear Lisi: My 15-year-old daughter was at a friend’s cottage for two weeks, helping the neighbours with their small children. The friend’s parents were at the cottage, so the girls were supervised, not alone.
They had breakfast at “home,” spent the day babysitting and ate lunch with those kids, and sometimes stayed into the evening while those parents went out.
My daughter was having the best time, and I was happy for her to be out of the hot city and by a lake, having fun and learning responsibility.
She called me yesterday crying because the friend’s parents told her she had to leave. Not because she did anything wrong, but her friend was caught smoking, and her parents had said that if they felt, for whatever reason, that this situation wasn’t working, my daughter would have to leave.
I’m devastated for my daughter because she is being punished for something she didn’t do. What do I tell her?
Punitive parents
Parenting isn’t for the faint of heart, or the meek. Just as in tennis, when it comes to parenting, it’s important to follow through. So, for example, if you say to your child/ren, “If you — , then I — ,” you need to follow through, therefore, if they do whatever was in your statement, you better do what you said you would do.
Not because it’s important to punish — that’s NOT what I’m saying. It’s important to follow through. That could be “if you get an A on your test, I’ll buy you an ice cream,” just as easily as “If you’re not home by 11pm, you’re grounded for the weekend.”
Assuming these parents said, “If something goes wrong, we’re sending (your daughter) home,” then they’re simply following through.
Yes, it sucks for your daughter. I’m also confused as to why they didn’t call you first to discuss. But, we can’t control other people’s actions.
I see several options: maybe the family with small children would hire your daughter as a live-in babysitter for a few more weeks at the cottage. Maybe the other parents will allow your daughter to return after a week or two. Maybe your daughter finds another job for the rest of the summer.
Most importantly, talk about what happened with your daughter so she doesn’t feel punished.
Reader’s Commentary Regarding the small-town grandparents (July 4):
“The writer makes it clear that they’re talking about a small town. When I was seven or eight years old living in Halifax, Nova Scotia, in the 1950s, I used to bicycle all over that small city. Sometimes I’d ride around with my best friend (same age), sometimes by myself. That exploring, I think, helped develop a feeling of self-confidence which was a big part of growing up.
“Nowadays people focus on the possibility of abduction of a child by some mentally sick person, but that is a rare occurrence. Sadly, when children are mistreated or molested, it is most often by someone known to their parents, or by one of the parents!
“I’m not advocating letting a child loose at Yonge and Bloor in downtown Toronto. But, wouldn’t it be better to teach children what sorts
of places to avoid, how to recognize inappropriate behaviour on the part of adults, and how to ask passersby for help if the need arises, rather than decreeing that they must have adult supervision at all times?
“I well remember taking a wrong turn on my way home from school in Halifax and getting lost. My seven-year-old self did as I had been taught, by approaching a police officer. He soon pointed me in the right direction. My parents told that story proudly for years.”
Lisi – The 1950s was a lifetime ago. I stand by my response that seven- and eight-year-olds should never be left alone, anywhere.
FEEDBACK Regarding the child who only eats colour-coded food (June 28):
Reader #1 – “As a nurse experienced with mental health illnesses, her young daughter’s colour-coded food could be a form of OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder), eating disorder or even a symptom related to ASD (autistic spectrum disorders), although no other details about the child were given.
“This young girl needs to be seen by a psychologist or psychiatrist for further assessment and treatment. Hopefully they get into assessment and necessary treatment quickly. All the best to them.”
Reader #2 – “This child may be on to something. Nutritionists always say we need to add colour to our diet. If she is getting all the major food groups, proteins, fats, carbs and healthy sugars, who cares what colour her food is?
“But I agree, she should get checked out by a doctor to make sure she is healthy.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnis based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to [email protected].
