Dear Lisi: My husband is a spendthrift. We both work and make what most would consider very good incomes. But we also live a large life, mostly because my husband loves to spend money. I can’t talk to my friends because they brush it off as “problems they wish they had.”
I didn’t grow up with money and neither did my husband. We both know what it feels like to not be able to pay rent, to not have enough money for a decent meal, and to wonder how we would make it through to payday.
I am far more responsible with my earnings, and I have started “taking” some of his so he has less to throw around. He’s a very generous guy, which I love, but sometimes it’s over the top. For example, recently we went out for dinner with friends. The bill was ample as we had shared an expensive bottle of wine with dinner. There was no reason not to split the bill, but my husband insisted on paying and then tipped the server 50 per cent! Totally unnecessary.
The problem is that when I make a comment, my husband blows it off, saying loudly for all to hear, “Why are you worried? We can afford it!”
But we work hard for our money. And I’d like to save more and start working a little less. How do I get the message across to my husband that it’s time for a shift?
Money maker
Sit down with your accountant and find out exactly how much money you have, and if lightning should strike and neither of you could work another day, how long your money would last. It would be great if your husband could join in on the conversation. But either way, once you have that knowledge, you two can make a plan. You can allocate excess money for him to “play” with if you can afford it, and if that’s what makes him happy. Knowing that he’s not using the money you need to live off, you could enjoy his generosity more.
Dear Lisi: My wife is a Negative Nellie. No matter what idea I come up with, regarding anything, she immediately shuts it down. It could be as unimportant as where to go for dinner, or as important as where her mother should move (after her husband passes, which is imminent).
At first, I thought it wasn’t personal. However, if I suggest a restaurant, for example, she’ll say no. But if one of her friends suggest it, she’s all over it. When I point out her teeter-totter response, she argues that she never said no to that particular place.
I understand that some decisions are more difficult than others, and carry with them emotional weight. But it’s “no” to every suggestion I make. I can’t take it anymore!
Positive Peter
I get the feeling that your wife is overwhelmed by the bigger things going on in her life. Her father (or stepfather) is dying, and her mom is going to be alone, and needs to move. That in itself is a lot, and none of it is positive.
Don’t take her negative responses personally. I don’t think she is even really listening. I think she feels a loss of control and by acquiescing (to whatever) she is relinquishing even more control.
Take your wife out for dinner, alone, to a restaurant you know for certain she enjoys. Hold her hand, look in her eyes, and tell her that you are there to support her through all the hard stuff that’s about to happen. Then ask how she would like you to help her. Get through this next rough period together.
Moving forward, when offering suggestions, choose a few, say, three restaurants you would like to go to, and then ask her to choose from that list. Win-win!
Dear Lisi: My daughter has a friend she likes a lot. She’s a sweet little girl, they’re both eight years old, but I see a mischievous twinkle in her eye. I tend to hover more closely when this little girl is over for a playdate.
I also tend to keep my younger child and the dog separate from them, for fear of what this little girl might do. So far, nothing has happened, but I just have a nagging feeling that something will. Am I making this up?
Mischief, Maybe
The girls are little, so you have every responsible right to hover without excuse. And your instinct is to protect your baby and your fur-baby. Mischief is OK as long as no one gets hurt. Go with your gut.
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
