Dear Lisi: I’m 24 years old and have just moved back home. My mom died last year, leaving my dad to care for my twin 16-year-old sisters. It was a disaster. I didn’t come home right away as I was finishing my degree, and I thought my dad could handle it.
But he can’t. He’s devastated by my mom’s death. It happened so quickly. She got sick, they found a brain tumour and she was gone — all within six months. And I thought my sisters would be OK because they have each other. Wrong again.
So I decided to come home and help the family regain some balance. I know I’m young and I’m also reeling from my mom’s death, but for some reason I feel I can handle this. Do you think I’m doing the right thing?
Sissy in charge
Yes and no. I think it’s amazing that you want to go home and help your dad and your sisters. But I don’t think you need to “take charge.”
I’m sure your dad will appreciate having you home because you’re his daughter, he loves you and you are a reminder of your mom. But he won’t expect you to fill her shoes, nor should you. Between the four of you, you’ll have to figure out how to fill in the holes of what your mom used to do around the house (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.). And your little sisters will need your big sister love, support and advice more than ever.
Supporting your dad and being there for him will be appreciated, but you’re his daughter and he just lost his wife. I strongly believe that all of you would benefit from grief counselling, together and individually.
Dear Lisi: My child was born with a large protruding birthmark on his collarbone. We were told it would shrivel on its own and eventually fall off. Both sets of grandparents constantly commented on this extraneous lump. It was hard to miss as it was bright red. I would try to tuck it into his pyjamas or T-shirt, but it would always pop out. Other babies would always reach for it. I found it so stressful to constantly be on alert if anyone touched him.
By the time he was three, I was worried that when he went to a program without me, nursery or even kindergarten, some other child would inadvertently pull it off. So I consulted with a surgeon and we had it removed.
It’s three years later, he’s totally fine, you’d never know it had even existed. However, the same foursome who consistently bothered me about it when it existed constantly berate me for having it removed.
How do I get my parents and in-laws off my back?
Mom’s decision
The first person you need to talk to is your husband. I can only assume that he was on board with the removal of this lump. Discuss with him what he thinks is the best way to get through to both your parents.
Here’s an idea: If you’re willing and have the time, you could make a PowerPoint presentation, half-jokingly, filled with photos of your baby with the birthmark, and your child without the birthmark. Add scientific information, letters from your doctor and any other research. Then invite both sets of parents over for dinner and a show.
Once it’s over, impress upon them that you never want to discuss it again. Done.
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist for the Star in Toronto. Email questions to [email protected].
