Dear Lisi: My girlfriend and I are moving in together and we need — and want — to have the big discussion regarding finances. Neither of us make a ton of money, but at the moment, I am making more than her. We’re not married and we’re not even talking about getting engaged. We just were ready to move in.
What do you think is the best way to go about this?
Fair Finances
Obviously (I hope), you have found a place that you can both afford. The division of money depends on the difference in earnings between you two. Let’s say, for the sake of discussion, that you make twice as much as she does. You can afford twice the amount in bills. So, if you’re rent is $1000 a month, instead of each paying $500, you should pay more. Or you could pay the whole rent, and she could pay her portion equivalent in utilities.
Or you could each put half of your paycheck in a joint account which would then be the account you use to pay rent, utilities, etc.
It’s definitely important to try to work things out from the start, with an understanding that everything can change.
FEEDBACK Regarding the grossed-out mom (Aug. 1):
Reader – “Already? Some would say that things will only get worse. Wait until her child reaches the ‘terrible twos,’ or the heartache she’ll feel when her child starts attending school. Or the rebellious teen years, when the ‘I hate your guts’ starts. One day, her child will leave home, or start their first relationship and then she’ll understand that she is no longer the sole focus of her child’s attention.
“EVERY phase of life will have challenges. But she has brought new life into this world. She has the opportunity to develop her child into a contributing member of society. She gets to ‘mould’ this new person.
“She is not the first nor the last mother on this planet. I suggest she have a serious chat with her own mother to see how she felt back in her day.
“Maybe some counselling would be advantageous to help see her life in a different, more positive light. Might she also have family or friends who could help for a few hours a week?”
Lisi – I agree that she would benefit from counselling and outside help. Anything to help her with the Baby Blues BEFORE it turns into postpartum depression.
Dear Lisi: My bestie has become really prickly lately. No matter the topic, I feel she is always coming in hot as the “devil’s advocate.” I could be complaining about my boss, discussing an issue I’m having with my boyfriend, or asking her what I should wear to a party — the topic is secondary, she just finds a way to scratch me.
I’ve asked her if she’s upset about anything, mad at me for some reason, but she says no. What do I do?
Claws out
Ask again. Something is under her skin. I think it probably somehow ties to you, but maybe not. Do you see each other often, or is it just a phone relationship? I speak to one of my closest friends daily, but only manage to see her about once a month because of a difference in schedules.
If it’s the latter, make a point of getting together in person. Ask again. If she still says nothing’s wrong, then lay it out there how she’s making you feel. Name it. She’ll either open up about what’s really bothering her, or…. You may need to take a break from each other for a little while. That’s OK, it happens sometimes with friends.
FEEDBACK Regarding the new senior dental plan (June 5; Aug. 1):
Reader – “It’s new, it’s not perfect and it’s not guaranteed to be free.
“The letter I received advising me of my start date in the program clearly stated service providers are permitted to bill the patient for the difference between what the government insurance will cover and what their usual fees would be. This applies even to those of us for whom the plan will pay 100 per cent scale for the procedure.
“It did not come as a surprise when I contacted a provider on the list of those accepting the plan, that the front desk person explained there would be a charge and gave me an example of how much the plan would pay and how much I would be charged for a regular examination. The savings are substantial but that doesn’t mean everyone will be able to afford those extra fees.”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected].
