Dear Lisi: My sister-in-law’s sister is a mess. She’s a very pretty woman but doesn’t care at all about her appearance. She wears dresses that don’t flatter her figure at all, and heavy shapeless sweaters over them. She rarely brushes her hair and it’s matted in the back. The worst part is that she smells unwashed — not body odour, just stale.
My sister-in-law is embarrassed by her sister and is always making excuses to not invite her to family events. The extended family always invite her because she’s part of our large group — but I feel so badly for my sister-in-law.
How do I help my sister-in-law see that her sister is not a reflection on her, and not to be embarrassed by her?
Funky Family
You’re kind in that you want to help your sister-in-law, but — your description of her sister wasn’t very kind at all. Do you think maybe your sister-in-law is picking up on your vibe?
You may not even realize that you’re being judgmental … but you are. Get out from between these two sisters.
Dear Lisi: My wife has a friend who is in constant competition. Not just with her, but with me vs her husband, and our kids vs her kids. I have no idea why my wife is still friends with this woman. My wife is constantly telling me ridiculous stories, for example, how the friend was comparing notes on how many broken bones the children have had after her daughter broke her arm, for the third time, in gymnastics. Why is that something to be proud of?
Our kids used to go to the same school; one of theirs is the same age as one of ours, the other two of theirs are different ages from our other child. This woman used to compare grade marks between kids of different ages. And now she’s still comparing even though they go to different schools!
How can I tell my wife she should sever ties with this woman? I can’t take it and I know it’s affecting my wife.
Compare and Contrast
This woman, not your wife, sounds extremely insecure. I doubt she means any harm or malice, even though she’s annoying both you and your wife. You and your wife could show her some empathy and kindness. I’m not saying you’re not.
Your wife must softly tell this woman that their friendship is not correlated to the children, their marks in school, their athletic prowess, or how many bones they’ve broken. And that she’d like to stop the constant comparison. If that doesn’t work, you don’t need to do anything — your wife will get fed up with this woman soon enough.
FEEDBACK regarding the man who has stopped use of all technology (May 10):
Reader – “I read Wednesday’s story about a man giving up his technology, and his family who do not seem to understand. It made me smile.
“I am a 62-year-old man and semi-retired, and for years I have been telling my family that the day I retire my phone will be scrapped. People who embrace computers and phones can see no other way then to constantly be available to the world.
“People like myself, who have no use for social media and being harnessed to a device, cannot wait for the day to be free. The wife and daughter should just relax and not worry about him, as for thousands of years people survived old age without an electronic tether.”
Waiting for my turn to toss the phone!
Reader 2 – “Perhaps you should have added that everyone should just start limiting their phone calls/texts to him to only really important issues so that he might be more inclined to answer his phone. The current obsession with constant communication keeps my phone off as well.”
Reader 3 – “I think that you are missing a danger signal in the case of the technophobe dad. ‘My dad has given up on technology. He recently retired from his office job’. This seems more like anxiety and depression as a result of the adjustments to retiring.
“I worked as IT support, and I often had to introduce senior employees to technology. The difficulties came at the beginning. I never knew a staff member to swear off technology after retirement. There is also the possibility of dementia as he is exhibiting some of the signs e.g., moodiness, difficulty communicating, confusion, etc. I would also suggest a complete physical by his physician to rule this out.”
Ellie Tesher and Lisi Tesher are advice columnists for the Star and based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions via email: [email protected] or [email protected]
